Again last night I was awake before four in the morning in absolute bloody agony. Back in the Eighties, I was blown up in Northern Ireland and was back on duty inside six weeks. I was stabbed in the Lundas (very painful, no seriously, it is a place in North East Angola) and although not completely mobile, I was back on duty in only four days.
I just got a nip on the toe while going across my garden to switch off a bloody generator and I have been off my feet for six weeks. Now this was really starting to piss me off. I was so pissed off, in fact, I was nearly ready to do a Ranulph Fiennes and saw my own digit off in the shed. Every time it seemed to be getting better, it would suddenly swell up in a different place and ooze goo all over the place. Marcia banned me from her bed unless the offending digit was bound tightly in a bandage encased in a pillow case and a plastic bag from the shop. The trouble was, it was exploding. At least if felt that way. Binding it only made it worse.
So today I was delighted when my old mate turned up for a visit. He is now a local police chief dealing, ironically, with illegal immigrants, Since I have only really been legal for half the twenty years I have been here, we both have an excuse to share a drink and a laugh. The thing is, we were in the bush together. In the bush we had to look after ourselves, there was no health service.
|He looks tired but he's had a hard day in the cellar|
He had a look at my foot. 'It's a snake bite,' he said, 'you need to cut it'.
'There's some razor blades in the shop, do you mind?' I asked him.
Off he trotted while I heated up a bowl of water and threw loads of salt in it to soak the foot.
'Have you any Agua Oxigenada (Hydrogen Peroxide) or Alcohol?' he asked me when he got back. I gave him a bottle of whisky.
I sterilised his surgical tools, laid them out on the floor. took a slug of the whisky (well, it is a shame to waste it), lit a cigarette and let him get on with it.
|You know, every time I take a photograph of the floor I get pissed off.|
I mean, what they hell did they sand it with... Rocks?
Yes it was painful but technically I still outrank him so I could not betray even the merest flicker of discomfort. So he had another slash saying the first cut wasn't the deepest, proving that Cat Stevens doesn't know shit and that rank may have its privileges but if you bang on about it, it doesn't half piss people off.
God, the relief! It was instantaneous! God the mess, that was instantaneous too! I plunged my foot into the bowl and let nature take its course. Over a gallon of hot, salty water turned to soup in front of my eyes.
|Bleeding from all its new orifices.|
Blue toes, all the rage in Angola
But for the first time in weeks, I am free of this incessant pain. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to get my boot on again.
Dear God! and there was me worried about a thorn I couldn't get out of my thumb in the summer.ReplyDelete
what happens if this continues? Please tell me he didn't really want to cut it off?
lets hope for a speedy recovery now someone else has had at it.
I guess I'll just keep taking the tablets...Delete
What? No leeches in the river you can feed? Might be a good idea.ReplyDelete
It is what else is in the river that worries me!Delete
It's not leeches you need it's maggots to get rid of the infection !!!ReplyDelete
Euch! It's bad enough getting Marcia to allow me into the bed. If my toe was heaving with maggots, I'd never get into the house!Delete
Just found your blog. What a great first impression! Seems you are intent on treating this yourself but you are missing the big picture. More than just a toe you could lose your life to sepsis. Well at least you've got my attention. I'll certainly be back but it would be a real shame if you kicked the bucket (with your other foot of course) before we got to know each other.ReplyDelete
Donna, as first impressions go this one is so not sexy. Commiserations. At least you can't accuse him of being vain. If I had a toe like that I'd keep shtumm about it and wear my best Louboutins instead.Delete
Tom aka Hippo has a way of slowly falling apart, dissembling himself. It's a great pity since the man despite or maybe aided by his whiskey consumption is supremely intelligent (within the limits of his toe) and - of interest to me - eloquent. OH MY GOD. To have but a way with words. Anyway, Donna, enjoy it whilst it lasts. It can only be a matter of time.
Hi Donna! Thanks for stopping by.Delete
Yes, your advice is sound. I guess the death rates in Angolan hospitals are so high because people are too scared to go to them until it is too late! Had I been living in the beautiful state of Illinois when I was bitten, I'd have hopped into the back of a truck and had myself driven to hospital immediately!
That's a really idyllic looking farm you have for sale. If it was up to me, I'd sell up here immediately and buy that place. A lifestyle I could enjoy; Alex going to a good school, Marcia running the shop and... decent medical facilities!
Ignore Ursula, she's a mad Teutonic who is madly in love with me. One day I will sober up, go back to UK and give her the good seeing to she obviously is in dire need of in exchange for a decent Sauerbraten.
How do I get all my vomit out from the keyboard? There are bits of carrot everywhere (and I haven't even eaten any carrot).ReplyDelete
Take note of Aunty Donna; she drinks glasses of neat wisdom for breakfast!
I always wondered where the carrots came from when I had a kit check.Delete
I would say that Donna has her head firmly screwed on, I have been reading her blog. Having looked at the advert for her farm and considering the amount I have invested here and all the grief I have endured, I missed a trick there,
I normally use a spoon to eat gazpacho, but I suppose putting one's foot in it is a novel approach.ReplyDelete
But no bush doctor me, although I'm inclined to think Donna O'Shaughnessy has a very serious point about bacterial infections, and although, like you I am disinclined to see quacks and to swerve away from hospitals, this may be worthwhile in this case, especially with a low immune system.
I bet you would drink artisan produced wine?Delete
I think we all agree that Donna is very sensible!
Who says my immune system is low? I am 100% immune to the opinions of others, sensible advice, abstinence in all its forms, healthy exercise and bathing on a regular basis (it confuses the dogs).
'Kin ouch and .............relax. It does seem strange that the local torturer turns out to provide the best relief. Maybe D O'S above has a point.ReplyDelete
First cut is the deepest was a Rod Stewart song. Cat Stevens is good though.
Yes, yes, yes, Donna's a bleeding Angel. She's wonderful. All men should aspire to a wife like her. I think you have all made your point.Delete
I thought Rod Stewart's was a cover?
I stand corrected having just checked. Cat never released it as a single. It was on his album in 1967 and Rod was the 3rd person to cover it.Delete
This is what Earl Gray wrote on this blog on Sept 23rd - "for fucks sakeReplyDelete
GO TO HOSPITAL You need IV antibiotics And a full blood review". In spite of your bush surgery, I think that advice still applies. You may have a cape and a big "S" across your chest but you are not Superman. Maybe the "S" stands for "Silly"?
'Silly' implies a certain time correctable immaturity. I prefer just plain Stupid for which there is no hope.Delete
For fuck sakeReplyDelete
This blog is getting more and more like fucking WALKING DEAD every week
More gore than the average knackers yard
A home caesarean using a tin opener perhaps
Why am I laughing, John? Out loud to boot. Bloody brilliant trend setter you are: "Home caesarean using a tin opener". Will spread word. Bet one of my sisters, always in the avantgarde, wishes she had thought of that first.Delete
To hang on to a valued audience, John, we have to start pushing the envelope. The Caesarean sections conducted with the lids of rusty bean cans are in series two, episode three.Delete
To make it as realistic as possible, this procedure will be conducted on film by an amateur on Ursula.
Over here from John Gray's site: WHAT! I know about self-sufficiency, but ignoring a snake bite, and then having a bit of rough surgery with a razor and some clippers? Would love ti see what this looks like in a few weeks.ReplyDelete
I'll send you an update, Susan!Delete
Righto. I'll send you both a 'bit of rough'Delete
Love it. Going under the knife in the only way I'd expect from you! I bet your glad you never got bit in the crotch! Well at least I am, as I can stand to see pictures of your toe! Hope it gets better soonReplyDelete
I must ask my Mummy for the photographs of when I was circumcised aged 14.Delete
I'm surprised you haven't still got your foreskin floating in a glass jar somewhere!Delete
Accidentally swigged it down ages ago.Delete
Oh dear God. I think you need proper medical attention for that!ReplyDelete
For goodness' sake! It's only a nip on the toe!Delete
I hope you are going to include a recipe for Black Pudding after that bowlful.ReplyDelete
Now there's a thought! Ever the practical man, aren't you!Delete
Wow! Brilliant bit of surgery ... add me to the updates list.ReplyDelete
Bloody hell! What's surgery like where you live if you think letting a sadist with a razor blade loose on your foot is brilliant?Delete
So glad that you're getting the toe sorted out at last. I have never been so interested in a persons toe before!!!ReplyDelete
Maybe I can make a career out of writing about bits of my anatomy...Delete
I am sure that has been done alreadyDelete
Only by prosecuting lawyers preparing evidence of the illegal use of bits if my anatomy.Delete
Oh lordy, lordy...ReplyDelete
I was thinking something along those lines as the razor went it.Delete
One story i read when i was a kid had a chapter where one of the characters was bitten by a copperhead on the toe. (A copperhead is a poisonous snake in the US, although perhaps not as deadly as a puff adder). The main character took a razor blade, sliced along the bite and sucked out the venom, spitting it out. After a bit, she made a tourniquet for the toe.ReplyDelete
I'd forgotten all about that until i read this blog entry about your friend and the razor blade. I hope this does the trick, Tom.
Didn't Rooster Cockburn do that in 'True Grit'?Delete
It seems to have done some good as the toe is no longer weeping and the ulcerated areas are drying.
Jesus Hippo your a tough bugger.ReplyDelete