Friday 11 January 2013

A Personal and Public Apology to Big Don Alvito, I mean Alviti.

Ah SHIT!  Now how the hell am I going to get to work without polluting the planet?

They nicknamed me Gobber Gowans at Sandhurst because I just didn’t know when to keep my trap shut.  Now, with my latest post (which could very well be my last post), I have upset the under boss of one of the most powerful families in UK.

This is the message he sent me.  Very carefully worded and easy to convince a jury at a RICO trial that this was all nice and friendly but read between the lines…

Kev Alviti said:

I love the link, but I must pick on one fault (believe me I hate to do this and when you see what it is you'll understand why).

My name is Kev. Not Ken. Kev. I know this doesn't make it sound any better, in fact Ken might be the better choice. Although I like the name Big Don Alviti more, but alas we already call my father the Don - but it will be my turn one day!

I thought I'd say now before months had past and I'd just let you carry on, then there would have been that akward moment where you relise you'd been saying the wrong name and I just let you carry on!

I'm glad you like my surname though, I've always been rather partial to it - one people won't forget.

As for your builders maybe I should meet them! I've sacked plenty of guys in my time and if they're taking as long as you say maybe it's time to give them the push or go further and concrete them into the building, that way at least they'd be of some (structural) use!

Can I also say that your posts are written with such a degree of skill and humour that they are a joy to read (and I normally go for blogs with lots of pictures).

Thanks again and if you’ll excuse me I'm off to make a dress for my daughter out of some loo roll and an elastic band (we're not skint honest...) as it sounds like we have a wedding to attend to!
End of message

Whichever way you look at it, I am in the shit, aren't I?
I might be a dead man walking but I had to at least do the honourable thing and apologise so, this is to Mr Alviti:

Excelentíssimo Sr. Don Alviti,

This is why the Alviti Family and your Teflon Don have done so well.  Nothing sticks.  See, like I know there’s some veiled threats in there but the way you worded it there is nothing a decent prosecution lawyer can sink his teeth into:

believe me I hate to do this”  (I don’t believe you for a second, we are both professionals. Bet you do it for a living and lose no sleep whatsoever, unlike me tonight)

“My name is Kev. Not Ken. Kev”  (like don’t ever make that mistake again. ‘I won’t I promise’, I say. Cue you saying, ‘You won’t, I promise’)

“but it will be my turn one day!”  (meaning: I am on borrowed time)

“I thought I'd say now before months had past…” (I know, I know, and then you’d have to kill me and still lose no sleep.  It is passed by the way, before months had passed, just thought I would mention it.  Oh God, now you are going for the nail gun)

"one people won't forget"  (Your name, yes, I know.  Kev Alviti, not Ken.  I will forget because I will be dead with my feet nailed to the floor boards but I take your point)

“I've sacked plenty of guys in my time”  (well, I have to admit, that is the best way to get rid of evidence, bag it up and deep six it)
“or go further and concrete them into the building”  (I was going to risk being flippant and ask how you could possibly concrete someone up in a wooden building but then I remembered that you could get a bunch of teamsters and enough cement lorries in at the drop of a Tommy Gun and a fur felt fedora hat to dump my car with me in the boot into my lounge and bury, me, my car and house in a pile of finest Portland cement and I shudder to think where the golf clubs I normally carry in the boot will have been parked)

Mr Alviti, Don Alviti in-waiting… Padrão Kev.  What can I say?  I meant no insult to you or your family.  I hold you and your father, 'Even Bigger' Don Alviti in the highest regard.  Even my Grandfather told me when he was bouncing me on his knee fifty years ago that although he had never heard of the Alviti Family (not surprising really, he was German and we were in Germany), I should never be disrespectful to them.  I disgraced not only myself but my wise old mentor, may he rest in peace (he was shot dead aged 90 by a jealous husband by the way but hey, most of us go out on the job in our business, don’t we?)

Please accept my humblest apology and let me make it up to you by sending over a load of Angolan handmade 3 ply toilet paper.  This is good stuff and doesn’t fall off the back of a lorry by itself (well, quite often it does, the roads are terrible here).  Only the best dress material for Ever-So-Big Don Alviti’s grand-daughter!
Would you mess with a Teamster?  Would you mess with a teamster who just happened to be the Under Boss for the Alviti Family?  No, I wouldn't either.

Nice to see that Alviti Family employees comply with the latest HSE dress codes mandated by the EU for hitmen.

Photo courtesy of Interpol

Of course my family and I would be honoured if you could attend the wedding.  Ok,the houses are wood but there will be a lot of concrete pathways so maybe we can discuss my contractors on site?  I realise that a pathway is only about a metre wide but we could always fold them in half?  The contractors, I mean, not the paths,

There you go, dear readers, Big Don Kev Alvito, hand crafted purlins, perfectly sorted suspended wooden flooors (and why ventilate them indeed?), stair cases and bannisters, walk in closets, beautifully fitted decking, pergolas, kitchens and jacuzzis.  And made-to-measure wooden overcoats (by special unattributable order only available through Amazon).


  1. Yup, you're in deep doo-doo as they say in Sicily.

    If he doesn't get you, there's always that unfinished business by the water board (-ing) of Angola.

  2. Don't leave the shack with your kneecaps in place. I've seen what they do with them.

  3. What sort of weapon lies in that right hand?
    It's worrying seeing he has on his wipe on wipe off overalls

  4. I just really, really hope he has a sense of humour.

    'Oh I have' he says laughing heartily as he nailguns my testes to the chair...

    Seriously though, I have obviously been in Africa too long and have lost sight of what true craftsmanship is. That's why the tears of grief and frustration were running down my cheeks as I poured through his blog, the sawdust in my socks one. One year later, my contractor has still not managed to finish two 96 metre square wooden buildings. With Big Don Alviti doing the job, my restaurant would have been open in time for my birthday last year, which is in May, and by now he would be on his tenth cottage for the guests. But if I lose my temper here and call them incompetent lazy fuckwits, I am a racist.

  5. I just looked up Big Don Kev Alviti's profile. He says:

    "I strongly believe in family"

    I'm dead.

  6. Maybe you can appease him with a nice fishing trip? Of course, he could simply chuck you overboard with cement shoes and call it good, but he may see that you are sincere enough in your apology, and might indeed be inclined simply to have you repay the favour at some point.

  7. Well at least we're on the same page now...

  8. My wife was crying with laughter as she read this.
    She even said "this is the funniest marked man yet".
    It's a shame it got to end like it has to, but you know how these things are. Business is business.
    (possible the best ever plug for my blog in the world!)

  9. Hey, Big Don Kev, I understand. This is Angola and I'd hate you and your people to get lost. There is a direct flight to here from London so I will have my people meet you. Don't worry about visas or yellow fever vaccination certificates, you only need those to go through immigration.

  10. re. your cook position... Bck at my local in Sheffield there's a regular called Mick Davis (Leeds Mick). He is about forty five and single. He has worked in many different catering situations - including working for the army. I know he is passionate about food and yet very down to earth in his approach. I'm not sure how you'd contact him and it's very possible he'd tell you to sling your hook - or something that rhymes with that but you never know, he might seriously consider the challenge. Email me if you still have my email addess. Maybe my wife can leave a message for him in the pub.

  11. Tom
    On reflection and after looking at a photo of Kevin
    Ask him if he has a builder's crack!

  12. John, Earl Gray.

    It is Kev. Not Kevin, Kev.

  13. Hippo; I apologise, I've only just come across your demand for help re chef.

    The only place I can recommend asking is

    Although how you would test any potential chef without flying them out first, I don't know; AND THAT COULD PROVE COSTLY.

    How about recruiting from S Africa; I know they train some very good chefs. Good luck.

  14. Thanks Cro, I shall drop them a line. It is the work visa that is expensive at 5 grand a pop. A decent chef here, though, could really cover his costs.


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