Monday, 25 March 2013

Where do I sign up?

Reproduced verbatim from News Biscuit, link down the right hand side of my blog.

Unemployed chain smokers to replace animals in science experiment labs

The influence of animal rights campaigners became evident today as the government announced plans to forcibly replace animals in science experiment labs with unemployed smokers, drinkers and drug users.

Despite huge revenues from smoking and drinking, David Cameron and George Osborne believe that ‘a healthier Britain will be a wealthier Britain’, and that it is important to remind the young (that)smoking, drinking and drugs are not healthy. ‘If we can cure a couple of diseases at the same time, happy days’ added the Prime Minister.

When informed that fags, booze and drugs would be totally free, millions of long-term unemployed applied to join the program, allowing the Government to instantly reduce the unemployment figures.

One of the newly released greyhounds said: ‘I’ll have a pint of Pedigree, chum.’

Reg Herring


Oh yes, common sense at last. They should extend it to those who instead of being sent down are awarded community service instead.

'When you've finished spraying hair lacquer into my eyes, I'll have a pint of Pedigree as well, chum.'

'Oh!  And don't forget the fags!  Do they still do filterless Capstan Full Strength?  I've been in Africa a long time and have lost touch.  Players then?' 

'Fuck, why is no one talking to me?  I can understand why they have manacled my hands behind my back and fitted a cone round my neck so I don't rub my eyes and spoil the experiment but I can't say I like the accommodation and room service much.'

15 comments:

  1. Yeah! And have you seen how hilarious it is when they don't catch the biscuit but it falls into the cone and then they try to reach it?

    Nice to see you back, IG. I do like your new site.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What the Fuck shite load of bleeding cobblers is this? I reply to IG's post and there it is above this comment. I reply to cro's comment and there it is below his, Now IG's comment has disappeared!!!

      Fortunately, I get an email anytime anyone posts so I can reproduce IG's comment:

      "I always thought those plastic cones were to help train dogs to catch biscuits... "

      Now it all makes sense, doesn't it? Please tell me the world makes sense...

      Delete
  2. My favourite Christmas cracker joke.

    Q. Which is the richest country in the world?

    A. Ireland; cos its capital is always 'Dublin'. (Geddit)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wholly irrelevant, absolutely superb.

      I see, like me, you take my blogs seriously!

      I am busy weeding at the moment (shock, horror) so am covered in dirt and have just paused for a cold beer. Charlie, the dog, is absolutely delighted. As I am filthy, I don't mind giving him a cuddle and he can't understand how he is getting away with digging holes in the garden. Wait til the seeds go in and then he'll see a different side to me.

      Delete
    2. That was the best joke I ever heard ( heard? ) cro say

      Delete
  3. Dang, I would be quite the experiment in Britain, since I fancy myself a bit of a lush and I don't hesitate to take a Xanax or Valium when my kids drive me to the brink of insanity.

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    1. I have heard of Valium, never heard of Xanax and never tried either but that isn't important. The question is, do you smoke in bed?

      Delete
  4. This is just the beginning of our reforms - next season we re-legalise huntin' with dogs, so long as you're huntin' politicians.

    Smoking beagles wouldn't seem so bad if only they'd give them a decent smoking room, newspapers, drinks, proper smoking jackets ...

    Is there any truth in the rumour that Cameron is about to sign the act giving Tescos the legal right to put up to 87% unemployed person in their burgers?

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    Replies
    1. Would these be marketed as environmentaly friendly 'Green' burgers under the Soylent Green label?

      Delete
  5. My comment on this post has disappeared and the same thing has happened on several other blogs. I suspect our local voodoo witch doctor is to blame - I'm going to hunt him down and give him a thrashing.

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    Replies
    1. I have found that a well aimed ashtray leaves a lasting impression...

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  6. Science: Keeping people off the streets!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Are you talking about the IG above that we spoke of recently?

    I reckon that once you get used to the conditions, you will have forgotten why you are there! Or even where you are!

    ReplyDelete

Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.