Unless someone murders it, of course.
Many years
ago, back in the days of power cuts and soaring petrol prices, yes, I am
talking about when I were a lad, I had a Chelsea Football Club mug. Today I realize it was hideous, both in appearance and price, a price my
Grandfather paid because he knew I didn’t just want it, I needed it. Without this mug I would waste away and die a
miserable lonely death.
Naturally,
I was upset when my brother poured thinners into it so he could rinse off his
paint brushes and an argument ensued.
When Father stormed in to separate us, he ended the argument by dashing
the mug to smithereens on the kitchen floor.
For a young lad and ardent Chelsea fan in the days of Peter Osgood and Bonetti the Cat and losing to Sunderland in the FA Cup final, this was very nearly a mortal
blow. They hadn’t invented Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder in those days so what I was suffering from back then was a
lack of an ability to pull myself together.
I never believed I could feel a material loss so keenly again.
Victorinox
knives are so good, so well made, proud
but mortal owners are leaving them to their offspring. With my new restaurant nearly finished, I had
to have a set. Sharp knives aren’t
dangerous in the kitchen, blunt ones are.
Cooking should be a pleasure, not a chore and good quality tools and equipment,
as they do in any trade, make all the difference. These knives would not only
be my companions for life, I would hand them down to little Alex.
So just how
do you destroy one of these knives?
Easy, you just lend it to an Angolan to cut a fish up.
Before:
After:
My
Victorinox 7.7123.25 drop forged steel chef’s knife. A full set of these 7 series knives requires
many beer tokens.
How did she
do that much damage to my knife? I haven’t
a clue. Clearly she was dissatisfied
with the edge and sharpened it as they do all knives here on a bit of concrete. You have to be giving it some stick, though,
to actually chip chunks out of the blade chopping a bleeding fish up.
Marcia, did
I say Marcia? I meant this anonymous but
fairly typical Angolan (when it comes to handling decent tools) could not
understand why I was so dismayed. The
restaurant is not even open yet and she has destroyed my big chef’s knife.
I was as
gutted as the fish. I was as sad as when
I gathered up the shards of my Chelsea mug all those years ago. Someone I loved so dearly had done this to
me. How could they, my companions for life?
Like Carol, I feel your pain too.
ReplyDeleteI am a wuss.
I weep for every tap that I encounter that has been turned off so hard that the washer is squeezed into another dimension.
I wince for every car door that is slammed so hard that the window mechanism inside briefly exceeds light-speed.
I wobble a bit about the bottom lip for every lawnmower that is rammed into growth fit to hide an elephant and the twigs off every tree from here to eternity.
I wail on behalf of every freezing car engine in winter that is immediately revved from starting to the red line 'coz it is like, yeah, dat dez does warm ups quicker innit if you duz that'.
I wonder if the folk who abuse tools this way have some sort of frozen whole chicken mechanism where a brain might otherwise be.
When I can't wonder that because the offender is a loved on then I just go back to stage one; weeping.
Will you give it a decent funeral?
I have nothing to lose, Sir Owl, I shall give it a turn on a grinder and see if I can reform it. Maybe it'll end up being a very heavy fish filleting knife. How ironic.
DeleteMaybe I will discover a completely new type of knife and get something out of it on the shopping channel.
You could always file it into a bread-knife I suppose...
DeleteGiven my skill with a grinder, a serrated edge and a few cut fingers are always a possibility, Sir Owl.
DeleteThank you Carol for your kind message of support. The prognosis is that after about six weeks of intensive thereapy, I will be able to enter the kitchen once more.
ReplyDeleteMan up and get yourself a Global: Victorinox are the tool of choice of Mrs Bridges.
ReplyDeleteLLX
Mrs Bridges, the Duchess of Duke Streeet along with Mrs Beeton, only ever used Sheffield steel. I shall now go and look up Global knives. Which shopping television channel are they marketed through?
DeleteStealia-on-line.
DeleteLLX
Neat!
DeleteOuch. Having loved a Victorinox penknife with all the bits and bobs like corkscrew/toothpick/scissors et al thrown in, I would be devastated if I lost it. It hides in the bowels of my handbag ever ready to come to my aid in an emergency should I need to perform surgery on anything at a moment's notice! I too feel your pain!
ReplyDeleteDo you have the Boy Scout attachment for taking stones out of horses hooves?
DeleteIt sure does.
DeleteLike Carol, I feel your pain too.
ReplyDeleteI am a wuss.
I weep for every tap that I encounter that has been turned off so hard that the washer is squeezed into another dimension.
I wince for every car door that is slammed so hard that the window mechanism inside briefly exceeds light-speed.
I wobble a bit about the bottom lip for every lawnmower that is rammed into growth fit to hide an elephant and the twigs off every tree from here to eternity.
I wail on behalf of every freezing car engine in winter that is immediately revved from starting to the red line 'coz it is like, yeah, dat dez does warm ups quicker innit if you duz that'.
I wonder if the folk who abuse tools this way have some sort of frozen whole chicken mechanism where a brain might otherwise be.
When I can't wonder that because the offender is a loved on then I just go back to stage one; weeping.
Will you give it a decent funeral?
We are here!
The buggers that are bloggers who are obsessional and slightly Barmy
X
I see a new movement in the offing - Bloggers with both ADD and OCD...
DeleteWhat do you mean Sir - "slightly"?
I am pleased (yet slightly surprised, I never thought you had feelings for mechanical devices) you feel for engines thrashed from start up. That really does prick tears from my eyes. Actually, it can provoke rage. On the subject of engines, I used to go berserk when a driver crawled up a hill in top gear with the engine clattering in protest at such low revs. 'Do you actually know what a fucking gear box is, you wanker?' I would shout waggling the gear lever.
DeleteYou are right, Pope John, engines are the things they destroy quickest here. But I also go ballistic when I see them using one of my screwdrivers as a cold chisel.
Which reminds me of the General being driven to his next appointment when the car breaks down. His female driver digs under the bonnet and while she is doing so, the General notices a tool roll under the seat. He leans out the window and calls to the driver, 'How about a screwdriver?' and the driver responds, 'Might as well, Sir, we've got fuck all else to do...'
Perhaps you could return it to its makers and see if they are amazed it could be so easily ruined! They might be able to repair it in some way ( or send you a complementary new one!). Don't attempt it yourself, you'll really finish it off. An expert may be able to put a new edge on it. It can't be the first time this sort of thing has happened to an expensive knife. Surely the factory will have some way to salvage it . Could be expensive though I guess.
ReplyDeleteI think this knife can only be classed as BER, beyond economic repair. Now that the Euro is self destructing, I can pick up a replacement for about 60 US which is about half what I paid for it. I will just have to wait until my brother visits next from Germany to get my hands on it.
DeleteI know exactly what you mean, and share your bewilderment that what appears to be an indestructible piece of kit, can be so unlovingly destroyed. In our house I do the knife sharpening. Happily I'm not a vindictive sort. But you could fill a room with broken china, glass, (Waterford) etc etc, that have slipped through the wrong hands, but I suppose these are relatively easily broken pieces.
ReplyDeleteEasily broken, Columnist, but the loss no less keenly felt. I am very philosophical about such losses (or, perhaps, fatalistic). This is not the environment for bone china, silver, fine furniture or, frankly, anything else not supplied cheaply from China. What was left after my ex wife raided my storage container and helped herself while I was on contract in Nigeria, I gave away in order to avoid seeing beautiful antiques destroyed. As I write, I am drinking whisky out of a Meissen coffee cup with the handle knocked off. All my (coincidentally Waterford) crystal glasses long since shards.
DeleteI had an industrial knife sharpener brought in a while back. I discovered that people had been sharpening machetes with it. All the abrasive diamond compound wheels are screwed. Considering that I was able to put a fine edge on a sword without knackering the machine, once again I am left breathless at the ease with which even the most robust item can be defeated by a native.
I was once given an 'antique' penknife that had a similar bite out of the blade. I ground down the blade with an 'angle grinder', re-sharpened it, re-polished it, then threw it in the bin; having totally ruined it. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should just consign it to the fishing tackle box.
DeleteDearest sweetest Heart, yes, life is shite at times.I wish I'd known that earlier. Prevention better than hindsight.
ReplyDeleteFollowing your narrative I am glad once more that I hatched an egg only once. Otherwise, and I commend your father for it, I too would have taken the short cut and smashed the lot between the fruits of my loins.. But then, Tom, we were brought up before - as you say - Post Drama Stress Whats'it - was on the agenda. One wiped a tear, hated everyone for about thirty seconds, and retrieved the 'trauma' years later, like on 31 March 2013.
People have no respect for knives. You can talk till you are blue in the face (kannst Dir den Mund fuselig reden) knives will be abused. Which, if I were a knife, I'd turn into a fork. Or a wooden spoon.
Tragedy,
U
They steal my fork'n spoons here. I'm using a fish knife to put sugar in my morning tea and stir it up.
DeleteFor some reason, I cannot even load your blog, let alone comment on it. I do get to read your lunatic posts though because they are sent to me by email. I am reading them and nothing you say alters my opinion that you are crazy and badly in need of some attention.
By the way. I think you would make a better fork than a wooden spoon...
DeleteBefore I scrolled down I was expecting to see a Swiss Army Knife; assume she was cutting up crocodile, which is really quite a brave thing
ReplyDeleteIt was a king fish. Their spines are like steel reinforcing bars but their flesh is divine. Crocodile is easy to carve up and it's flesh tastes disgusting. They make good target practice though.
DeleteTry as I might, I still can't comment on your blog. I am reading it though. I too was saddened at the passing of Richard Griffiths, such a versatile and entertaining actor.
Contact Victorinox, with a link to the blog post, the Swiss should send you a new one.
ReplyDeletePossibly John, but you and I know it is a slicing not a chopping tool. Any claim I made would be dishonest.
DeleteI already feel guilty enough lusting after my neices. Let's not add to my sins.
Well, you can't be feeling as bad as Peter Bonetti did after the 1970 World Cup quarter-final against West Germany (as it then was). Have you tested whether its cutting qualities have been impaired by its battering?
ReplyDeleteEven cats have their off days. You can't blame a goal keeeper for shag defence and the arrogance of the post 66 English side. It wasn't a team, it was eleven individuals in pursuit of personal glory. Has anything changed? I live in Angola now. Twice they have made it to the WCF. Akwa deserves to be shot. Bonettti only conceded one more international goal in six further appearances. Please do not get me banging on about football. I took the Belizean National side to Mexico in the eighties for their one and only appearance in seriously international competition and we, in the opening match of the tournament, scored the opening goal against Columbia. We lost but I scored with an American girl in the hotel we were staying at so it wasn't a complete washout.
DeleteThe knife has been disinherited and callously consigned to the general toolbox.
Very sad. I had a Swiss army knife that Himself gave me as an anniversary gift, and i loved it. Used it a lot, took care of it, and somehow managed to lose it. I bought another one just before Christmas, a model as close as i could match to the one i lost.
ReplyDeleteHimself was surprised i had lost it. He didn't say much about it, having lost three himself. I told him when the last one went missing i wasn't going to buy him one anymore.
I have no idea how many pocket knives and Leatherman tools I have lost over the years!
DeleteI feel your pain. I remember lending my chisels to a plumber once on the condition that he didn't go near any nails with them. It came back looking like a comb! I wasn't happy. In fact I might have made a bit of a fuss. So much in fact he went and brought me a new set. I wouldn't take them, I told him to keep them so he didn't have to upset any more chippies in the rest of his career!
ReplyDeleteI suppose having the knife re ground in Angola it might not come back with a very fine tuned edge on it!
I suppose you pinning his hand to the bench with one of your damaged chisels had nothing to do with it?
DeleteWell If he'd done it again he might have ended up with less fingers than you!
DeleteAs we say in Ireland, sorry for your troubles. I remember being similarly distraught as a schoolboy when a friend lost my Swiss Army knife. These moments are sent to try us.
ReplyDeleteI had to keep telling myself that it was only a knife and Marcia is my wife after all.
DeleteNow that I have shown her my 12" chopper, she has the right tool for the job in future... No, not that kind of chopper, I mean meat cleaver. Goodness, some people nowadays ;-)
Get a Wusthof and stop whinging...
ReplyDeleteI shudder to think how much one of those is here even if I could find them.
ReplyDelete