|Paradise for Shoppers courtesy of Mr King|
Justin King resisted the temptation to gloat after Sainsbury’s reported a 3.6pc rise in like-for-like sales. But he could have been forgiven for doing so.
Sainsbury’s Chief Executive Justin King said the company has "invested heavily in our supply chain and sourcing credentials over many years but I will admit that having God turn up at one of our tills was a pivotal moment in our recovery in today’s economic climate".
He’s not kidding. On ‘like for like’ sales over the last ten weeks, Sainsbury’s has been slaughtering the opposition and having the new Pope’s boss turn up at one of his meat counters and ask for a filet to be dressed and prepared for the pan was a bit of a coup.
Mr King added: "Our values are a long-term, strategic point of difference. The issues experienced by the industry over the last quarter underscore the importance of our detailed understanding of our supply chain."
God said this was all terribly interesting and he was pleased with the human entrepreneurial endeavor he encouraged and that when it came to obfuscation, there was no better language than his own, English, but admitted he hadn’t an effing clue what King was talking about so just ignored him and hoped his RBS card would work at the till. As God stood in the queue wondering how much Sainsbury’s were selling a pound of sourced credentials for he realized that all he ever really wanted was a decent steak, maybe some veg and a half pack of real ale, anything but the severely rationed loaves and fish his five thousand fellow shoppers stuck in the queue were constrained to.
‘I could see God was dead nervous about his card going through,’ said Tracy, 19, an unmarried mother of four and Probational Senior Trainee Manager of till number 43 at Sainsbury’s Fosse Park Mega Outlet in Leicestershire. ‘He kept looking Heavenwards as if he was searching for a way out. Either that or he was checking the security cameras. I could’ve told him they didn’t work but with him being omnipotent or impotent or summat like that I figured he already knew, like. Still, he was a dead nice bloke and seemed ever so pleased when I told him he could ‘ave a bit of extra cash on his card, like, since it’d worked. I do it all the time. You should see what happens when a card doesn’t go through. We have this special button we have to press when they don’t. It’s ever so loud and then we have to get on the microphone, press another button and shout, ‘Manager to the till, Please. Manager to the till… Puleeze ‘. That’s dead loud too and you get a flashing light above the till and then we are trained to just sit there staring at the customer and only say the manager is coming. With all those people with full trolleys behind them it must be dead embarrassing. I would just die but it’s so funny when it ‘appens, especially if they get angry and beg to pay in cash. I mean really, if they ‘ad cash in the furst place, ‘ow cum they’re wastin’ my effin time with an RBS card? I gotta job to do, ain’t I? He may be God but e’s just a Toff like all the rest. But he was nice and his card did go through so that was alright then and I didn’t have to take his picture on my mobile and twitter what a dick he was.’
A Sainsbury’s spokesperson conceded that avoiding the horsemeat scandal had reinforced the Company’s position as leader in its market sector but pointed out that its staff played a major role in maintaining customer confidence. “Our staff don’t treat our customers as human beings,” he said, “They treat them like Gods. Yesterday we actually served one and, thank God, his card was approved”