Thursday, 17 October 2013

Porkinglês

"All I wanto is a beero, understando!!!!
 
Blogger has decided that I am Português.   It has analysed my laptop, recognised that I have a Pork and Cheese version of Windows installed and anything I posto originates from dodgy, third world servidores.

I ave tried to override the default spell checker but doing so changes my keyboard to English as well, which is a bit of a bugger as it is a Português keyboard and changing it to English, which it clearly isn't, screws everything up.  The keys representem the letters of the alfabeto remain the same (more or less) but every other key assumes a new, incompreensível idêntico.   Try having to press Control-Alt-2 to get @.  Try figurem that out in the first place when all you are trying to do is send a bleeding email!

I thought, perhaps, I could change the default linguagem for Blogger and confirm that I am indeed writing in English but while Blogger admits I am English, it insistas on spell checking using a Portuguese dicionário.  Now I wouldn't mind if all I had to endure were loads of red wiggly lines beneath every word I typed but no, to add to my woe, whatever malevolente programa there is running in the background automaticamente respells whatever it is I have written.  Since I am half blind, I need to tip the screen down so it iluminares the keyboard, meaning I cannot see what I am writing on the screen.  When I lift the screen to proof read what’s displayed, I am sometimes left bewildered.

I'll give you a few exemples: (I mean, examples)

Na (this is supposed to be 'an' as in 'na exemple'. Oh, for goodness' sake, AN EXAMPLE!)

Restaurante.  Yes, just add na 'e'.  AN 'e'.

Distante, instead of distant. They love their E's

Arrogante.  Yet another extra 'E'

Then there's the accents.  If I write taxi, lo and behold, it appears as táxi.  Ç’s appear randomlçy as far as I can see.

This means that what should take only a minute or two, writing a comento on one of your postas, for exemplo, can take ages as I arguir with a machine that insistes I cannot spell.

So I ave had na ideia.  I am not going to bother anymore.  I shall justo type away in English and if the sistema changes things, well then it will give you all a little brainteaser working out what the hell it is I am on about.  I shall invente a new língua: Porkinglês.

I thought I would share this because I had this imagem of you wading through all my typos thinking of me slumped half comatoso over my keyboard, fingers numb with álcool unable to hit the correcto key.  Nothing, I assure you, could bê further from the truth.

Honesto.



28 comments:

  1. Love it! You just keep on posting in Porkingles (sorry, I can't do the accent!) because it gave me the biggest smile of the day. Thoroughly enjoyed translating your script, imagining myself alongside Mr. Cleese and Manuel! Suddenly you sound all exotic and mysterious . . Adios!

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    1. Ate logo (see you later) I hope!

      Wait until my restaurante and lodge gets going, I am sure there will be plenty of Basil Fawlty moments!

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  2. I believe you, but...

    Actually I have a Thai/Eng keyboard, but I don't have your problem. My better half has a Japanese/Eng keyboard and he doesn't have your problem. Hmm, there must be more to it, but I am no genius in these matters. Try Google, or Windows whatever perhaps? Can't you use some other form of illumination to see the keyboard, such as daylight, or a lamp??

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    1. I think it is the Pork and Cheese operating system and office professional as well as the fact that Google has placed my laptop in a Lusophone country. I'm not really that fussed as I do most of my documents in Portuguese anyway. I just found it amusing.

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  3. Sounds like browser language settings got changed. Here is a writeup for Chrome, a search on browser language settings could discover some hidden tweek. https://support.google.com/chromebook/answer/1059490?hl=en

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    1. Like I said to the elegante Thai Spy above, I'm not really that bothered, John! I guess my laptop is as detirmined to stay Portugues as I am to stay English.

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  4. I have an Engish computer (well, it's probably made in China!) and an English-set keyboard, but when you press the keys down, they often don't register on te screen. (like now the H in THE has not registered, even tho I pressed it!) It is so annoying as I make loads of typos and spend ages correcting them. Keep on with the Porkingles. I think we'll manage to keep up!

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    1. Perhaps the marriage of a Romantic language with English will be more successful than Esperanto!

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  5. The worst, surely, must be 'predictive text'. My dear wife has an iPad and it cannot help itself trying to bugger-up her beautiful written English. She's tried screaming at it, warning it, even threatening it, but it continues to change every other word into cyber babble (cybero babbello).

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    1. Ah, Cybero Babbello. I suffer from that a lot. Usually soon after I am below the label of a Uisque bottle...

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  6. I suffer from the same troubles, although I'm Portuguese, all my computers are in english, but sometimes services decide that I should have all menus in Portuguese because of the keyboard layout, or French if I'm working in France. Blogger is one of the most annoying when it decides you should be reading and writing in another language. Last, but not least, in Portuguese it insists that the one admissible spelling is the Brazilian variant (if we were speaking of the English variants, it would mean that when spell "colour" it will try to correct you to "color").

    Nevertheless, this was one of your most entertaining posts (or postas). I can imagine an half blind English with a snake-bitten toe screaming at the bloody thing that insists on writing porkinglês.

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    1. I am flattered you, arguably, consider this one of my most entertaining posts but this was most assuredly one of your most entertaining comments!

      Portuguese is a wonderful language, and so is English. Imagine how good PorkInglês could be?

      Maybe, out of respect to the Portuguese, we should call it PortInglês even though Pork and Cheese artisans farm the very best Iberian pigs and make the most delicious Presunto.

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  7. If this were an audio blog, would the phrase "Send three and fourpence. We are going to a dance" be the right thing to say?

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    1. Hello Romeo Juliet, this is Hippo. Say all again after 'If this were na áudio blog'. Over.

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    2. I nearly fell for that. Must be getting late!

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    3. Either that or we are both just getting old. Don't worry, you'll get me back!

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  8. Ha!!! Well I don't have any keyboard deffikul... er... difffffficol.... erm... diffficluel... (hic)... *problems* with my syshtem. I'm just flippin' drunk.

    (hic)

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  9. And yet, we've managed to understand your PorIngles, even if we don't speak Portugese. Honesto.

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    1. Clearly a reason for me to continue!

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  10. Isso é um problema real, não é? Ainda assim, proporcionará muita diversão para as tropas assmbled

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    1. Obrigado! A final, você falar Inglês, Português, Francês e Alemão? Uau!

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  11. Oh God, I throw it across the room!!

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    1. I punched a laptop keyboard once in a moment of frustration and then had months during which to regret all the data I lost.

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  12. So funny ( sorry ) a bit like my husband trying to speak Spanish last weekend !

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    1. At least he has the courage to give it a go!

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  13. Oh dear! And Blogger is an internet presence that seems to refuse to have any one-to-one contact with its users - to sort out problems or deal with complaints. It must be very frustrating for you but please persevere. It would be most sad if we lost you.

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    1. Here at HQ Hippo we are all dedicated to the maintenance of the servisse. Just excuse the odd typo.

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Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.