Saturday 7 September 2013

New kit

What real man ever needs to consult a map?  What real man gives a flying toss about what he wears?  What real man cares a hoot about what people think of his choice of friends, lifestyle or partner?  What real man EVER reads instructions?

Marcia's new shop will open on Monday.  She has spent um, a very huge big lot stocking it (I shed a tear or two when I glimpsed my bank statement last night).  The shop looks great with all its rustic handmade shelving, wooden walls and modern freezers and coolers.

We are still importing loads of kit, not just for the shop, but also for my restaurant on which all effort will be focussed over the next few weeks.  In amongst it all was a small vacuum sealing machine.

Naturally, as a 'Real Man' I just had to have a play.

The machine came from South Africa so the first thing I had to do was figure out how to plug it in, South African plugs being incompatible with European sockets.  Being a 'Real Man', I solved it by chopping off the plug and sticking the bare wires into a socket.

Fresh out of the box.  Remains of my chicken salad lunch top right.
Did I think of vacuum packing that? Of course I didn't!
There are three buttons on the top marked, 'Seal Only', 'Cancel' and 'Vacuum Seal'.  Only panicky woosies need 'cancel'.  Also in the box were two rolls of ribbed plastic tubing, a sort of 100 metre 20 cm wide plastic bag open at either end.

'Aah!' I thought, 'you make your own bags!'  (Who said Real Men are stupid?)

Looks like a waffle maker for anorexics...
I dug out the scissors from my hairdressing kit (er, deep, throaty manly cough, I mean Barber's kit) and chopped off a length of roll, stuck it into the machine, clamped the lid down and pressed 'Seal Only'.  The light came on and seconds later winked off again.  I expected it to make a noise or something.  I expected the stench of melting plastic.  Nothing.  So I pressed 'cancel'.  Still nothing.  I popped open the lid and removed the bag.  It had a perfect seal along the bottom.  I blew the bag up like a balloon. not a hint of a leak.  I kept blowing in there trying to burst it but I might as well have been trying to blow up a hot water bottle.

Now I had worked out how to make a bag, I needed something to vacuum seal.

If you are not a real man, you would pick something the machine was designed for, something inane, like a pork chop from the fridge.  A pork chop wouldn't do at all, not for me anyway, I needed something else.  It was Marcia who had asked me to work the machine out so what better item to vacuum pack than her mobile phone?  I was giggling like a school girl (but a 'real manly' schoolgirl) as I located her phone, made up a bag and then vacuum packed it.

This machine is just so cool!  Have you EVER tried to rip one of these bags open in a hurry?

Tightly sealed in plastic, the ring tone was a bit muffled but Marcia's hearing is acute so when I rang her mobile, she came rushing into the room. 

Man, you should have seen her face!  It's the very best laugh I have had in years.

She could see in my eyes that if left alone with the machine I would vacuum pack everything in sight, including the dog if I could stop him wriggling so she confiscated it before I used up all her rolls.  Spoilsport.

Joking aside, it is a seriously useful and inexpensive bit of kit.

35 comments:

  1. I like it, I like it... Almost as much fun as the cling film over the bog trick! Have you tried that one too?

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    1. I haven't just tried it, I fell for it!

      The machine is brilliant, though. I am really impressed. I can make up certain types of meal, vacuum pack and then freeze them until needed.

      Marcia has never heard of the clingfilm over the bog trick now that I think about it... She is always the first one up in the morning so I will have to set it up at about two in the morning. If I unscew the light bulb in the loo, I can almost guarantee success.

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  2. But you pressed "seal only" not "vacuum seal". I'd like to see it vacuum seal a turd. Would it really stay fresh?

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    1. I have every confidence it would be preserved. Send me your address and I will send you a vacuum packed African turd and you can attest to its shelf life.

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  3. Congratulations to Marcia on the opening of her shop. Hope it all goes well.

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    1. It's not open yet. Marcia is becoming a bit frantic. I am just trying to make sure everything is plumbed in before I throw the switch.

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  4. You eat chicken salad from a bowl? Personally I prefer a plate. I hope you are able to get another plastic roll - after you've wasted the first one Will you be following up Gorilla Bananas' turd idea?

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  5. You eat chicken salad from a bowl? Personally I prefer a plate. I hope you are able to get another plastic roll - after you've wasted the first one Will you be following up Gorilla Bananas' turd idea?

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    1. A bowl is as good as anything with an appetite like mine.

      Having wasted the roll, I am rather at a loss as what to do with all these turds.

      Frankly, I am ready to slash my wrists. I pull what I thought was a humorous post and most of the responses refer to turds.

      I am going to change the wheel of my truck before the sun goes down. It's hard labour, you try breaking the bolts on the wheels of a truck that has covered thousands of kms across African bush, but at least it is honest and not puerile shit.

      Carol, I'll post photos. Marcia's shop looks real nice. I am so knackered I can hardly keep my eyes open.

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    2. "honest and not puerile shit"? What? The truck? Or the African bush?

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    3. Hard work, mate, that's 'honest'. Sealing turds is puerile! Truck is back on the road now.

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  6. That is the trouble with new toys - you want to play with them all the time until the novelty wears off. If it doesn't move, seal it! What is Marcia selling (and seal-wrapping) in her shop?

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    1. Cheese, ham, that sort of stuff. She buys bulk quantities and then I chop them down to smaller sizes and seal them. Later on I want to do ready meals which can either be microwaved or boiled in the bag.

      I have to say, as new toys go, I was enthralled with this one.

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    2. I wondered if it was for things like Ham/cheese or if you thought of cooking with it. Will you use it for the restaurant - the cooking shows on TV have had a phase of "Sous-vide" (according to Mr Google). From what I have read - you should then "cook" the bag and contents on low for a very log time. You could make that a special of the house - 72 hour hippo stew or something like that

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  7. I bought one at a yard sale. Wonderful machine! Do not, repeat: Do not attempt to vacuum seal soup, or anything very wet. Yeah,I know, it should have been obvious, or at least on the instructions that didn't come with it.

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    1. Lava, a company in Germany do a machine that can handle liquids but it costs 800 Euros! Maybe later.

      But... There is a way you can vacuum pack soup with a basic machine. You freeze it first in a bowl, dip the bowl into warm water just to loosen the frozen soup, slide it into the bag and vacuum seal it before it melts.

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    2. Good thinking on freezing the soup first - kinda obvious when someone else says it.

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  8. Hmm. I can't help but wonder if there is any way (using Origami or some such) to get the machine to vacuum-seal itself into a bag? Please try, and publish the results.

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    1. No is the answer. Like the way you think, though.

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  9. I love your inner kid, your outer kid, your real kids and Marcia. Great post!
    Els

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    1. That 'inner' kid has got me into so much trouble in the past...

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  10. Go on
    Vacuum wrap a turd

    I dare you

    John
    ( going gently
    Remember that blog you don't comment on anymore cos I have too many visitors)

    Tee hee

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    1. Don't worry, John. Tom is too busy to seal his leftovers with that new toy of his.

      I wouldn't dare him. Watch your postbox. At least, being vacuum sealed, it won't smell. And you can dispose of it without having stood in it first.

      U

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    2. I am NOT going to vacuum pack a turd. What is it with you lot and turds?

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  11. Tom, REAL men DO read instructions. Though, admittedly, one of the most real (and intelligent) men I have ever known did not. He ran the newly delivered washing machine on empty - to test it. Before taking out the styro and cardboard inside the drum. His partner (Swiss, but very patient) didn't say a word. Somehow he managed to procure another machine the same afternoon. And only a REAL man can live with ridicule dished out by friends in the evening - over dinner, and not lose his appetite.

    As we have arrived in 2013 and men are NEW men, men, it appears, now play with vacuum sealants. What's a REAL woman to do? Since this line of thought has potential to be spun I better sign off now.

    U

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    1. There is bugger all new about me. I am the sort of barn find you wouldn't bother trying to restore, rather stick a stake through its heart!

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  12. I can't imagine how you could have survived hitherto without one.

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    1. Now that I have played with one, I can't understand it either!

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    2. The options are endless - if your keyboard gets coffee, whiskey or food spilt on it - seal it!. You know what Dominic would do? Seal your whiskey bottles, packets of cigs, lighters, even your glass with a measure already in it. Then to cap it off - seal anything sharp such as scissors and knives so that you cannot open any of the bags ... muh ha ha ha (<== meant to be an evil laugh)

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    3. Nige, I think if Marcia could get it far enough into the machine, Marcia would vacuum seal my head!

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  13. Reading instructions are for the brain damaged such as I, my son...bless him takes anything more advanced than a toaster and can set it up, adjust it, embarass me in public...whilst playing minecraft at the same time......a plastic bag machine would pose as much problems as re-programming cap canveral after the famous"houston we have a problem"............my egg cooker is working perfectly...by the way..!

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    1. Alex, I am afraid, is still at the age where he has to take things apart to see how they work...

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  14. You're not the first person i've heard who loves that machine. I can see where it would be really handy for you. I'm not much of a gadget girl myself, and for my own use, i use zippy bags and a plastic straw to suck out all the air i can before zipping up the last bit.

    Marcia was wise to take the bags and machine away from you. No point in having the novelty wear off before she needs you to help you vacuum seal for real.

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    1. You must have more effective lungs than I do!

      I generally do not suck air out of bags, just blow into them when ordered to do so...

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Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.