Monday 27 May 2013

Every bloody morning...


I wake up at 4am.

It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I still awake at four. I have tried staying up until four in the morning but was then unable to fall asleep. I have tried drinking myself into oblivion but only wake up at the same time with a raging hangover. It really is very tedious because I am genuinely tired. I really want to go to sleep. I can hear my pillow calling me. I am filled with envy at the sound of Marcia's steady, peaceful breathing. The gentle wash of surf on the beach should be soothing.  At this time of the morning I find it irritating. My hearing is so acute, I can hear the dogs padding around outside, Rico's guards whispering a hundred yards away, light footed geckos chasing insects. If there is a breeze there is, to me and me alone, the deafening cacophony of palm fronds caressing the roof.

To pass the time, I read the Telegraph on line.  Then the Independent and, just to prove I may be awake but my brain isn’t, I read the Daily Mail.

It is my brain that is the problem.  When I am asleep, however briefly, I have vivid dreams.  Most of them are nice, set in places infinitely preferable to reality; I have been spending a lot of time with my late father recently and that is really nice.  He looks older but not as tired as he did just before he died.  Other dreams are so bizarre as to defy description. 

In this ‘Other World’ my visits to which are so frustratingly brief, I can fly.  Not with ease, I hasten to add, I have to both relax AND concentrate.  Now the two don’t usually walk (or fly) hand in hand but trust me, crack it and you can fly.  And it is a truly wonderful experience, if a little scary as I am always conscious, in my unconscious state, that if I think about the fact I am flying, which is impossible, humans can’t fly, I will fall out of the sky and wake up with a sudden start just as I am about to plough into the ground (clearly a sort of ethereal ejector seat).  As a result, flying straight and level is an art. I am getting pretty good at getting up there, the trouble is that once I am up there (don’t forget, my knees go weak looking over a second floor balcony I am so frightened of heights) I can’t help thinking about it and instantly lose altitude at an ever more alarming rate.  Birds must have the same problem, they are forever crapping themselves midair.  Think about it though.  You have thought yourself up to a great height by not thinking about it and relaxing instead.  Now you suddenly think, ‘Holy Fucking Christ! I’m a million miles high!’ and, as you plummet earthwards as a result of thinking, you think, ‘I know I am stressed right now but I really must concentrate on not thinking anymore’.  You try relaxing when you are hurtling in towards terra firma faster than Google Earth can zoom yet sometimes I do manage it and, just in time, claw my way over tree tops into free air again.  It is terrifying yet exhilarating. No wonder I cannot sleep once I wake up.

It is my brain, you see, if it would just relax and stop thinking so I could concentrate, I wouldn’t crash and could enjoy a decent night’s sleep.

For reasons that must now be all too evident, I usually do not write and post at this Godforsaken hour.

12 comments:

  1. No rest for the wicked. Try Xanax. But then you might become addicted, and they don't mix well with alcohol, (but you wouldn't know anything about it at the time).

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    1. Yes, definitely a bit of guilt here. I think I am just worried about the pace of work on the restaurant and the awful decision I keep putting off; to sack the current contractor and lose all that money and then have to shell out yet more with a new contractor or just hang in there and pray for a miracle.

      Common sense says I cut my losses.

      Delete
  2. Interesting post. This morning I was awake at 2am, or rather I couldn't sleep. My mind is full of words that hang together in a certain symmetry. Should I creep back upstairs to get the laptop, should I even take the laptop down with me as I pass the cyber eyrie? No... I really don't want to get into starting a habit I might not then be able to break.

    The other thing is, I have a dream (and it is so real, I'm not even sure it is a dream?) where from a standing start I jump high into the sky. People are amazed and I look down on their upturned faces. Not sure how I land though? This I think, must tell a lot about me, although I'm not sure I would like to know the interpretation!

    LLX

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    1. That's exactly how I take off, I just jump and then think my way higher while trying not to think how high I am.

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  3. Waking up early is what happens as you get older. The good news is that the earliest part of your sleep is the most important part. Perhaps having more catnaps during the day would help?

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    1. My Father always said that an hour before midnight was worth two after.

      Angolans are a lively vivacious breed, and bloody noisy. Catnaps are impossible.

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  4. A psychiatrist I once worked with always referred to flying dreams as a " growing up" sort of phenomenon
    Go figure

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    1. Well John, I do wake up every morning with a massive blue veiner, does that count?

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  5. Oh dear Mr Hippo, when I was at university I took a subsidiary course in "The Psychology of Dreams" and we covered dreams about flying and what they meant but I haven't got the guts to share this knowledge with you. It would be too upsetting but as a little clue think Catholic priest, think Jimmy Savile...and you'll be halfway there. Oh and the main reason you wake at four a.m. is whisky. Try marijuana instead. It always works for me.

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  6. Know anyone with sleeping pills? Failing that, horse tranquilisers?? Not that I partake of such things cos I have Narcolepsy so I sleep all the time - usually at the most inconvenient times as it happens.
    Anyway, the best sleep is not early sleep it's actually the stage after the dream state that is important because this is restorative sleep, if you don't get enough of that (like I don't) then it leads to all sorts of chronic conditions such as Fibromyalgia which I have.
    Get those tranquilisers and get some bloody sleep man :)

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  7. Don't we all get those flying dreams? I've always had them and quite enjoy them...sometimes I'm so convinced they're real, when I wake up in the morning, I'm all ready to step out of the second floor window....

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  8. I haven't had a flying dream for a long time. Most of the time when i have them, i'm flying horizontally, like Superman. I enjoy the view. Occasionally, i'm vertical, as if i just jumped and am gaining altitude. And a few times, i've done the vertical jump and at the moment where i have the right altitude, i fall forward into the horizontal flying position. I always fly forwards and never backwards.

    I've been starting to awaken earlier, but i think it's because the sun rises earlier.

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