Saturday 17 May 2014

Oh Dear! Only Two Days Of Mischief Left At UCLH...


Yesterday afternoon I was visited by the Very Pretty Bubbly Specialist With The Sectionable Husband.  Pleased with my progress she made to leave but then added:

‘Now you are avoiding sweet things, aren’t you?’

‘Given my confinement and that half the female nurses and doctors working here, including you, are drop dead gorgeous,’ I said, ‘that’s proving rather difficult.’

‘I meant sweets, sugary things, Mr. Gowans.’

‘Oh.  Does that include chocolate?’

It did I am afraid.  I have been blessed with innumerable visitors all of whom have brought me something.  Normally, the choice of what to bring me would be easy, just a flask of Scotland’s finest but now that I am boringly teetotal, my dear friends and family fell back on my notoriously sweet tooth.  Chocolates are available in Angola but I'm not really keen on Alex developing a craving for them.  He is a big lad for his age anyway so I don’t want him to add unhealthy fat to his bulk.  It would be incredibly insensitive of me to scoff chocolate in front of him while denying him the same pleasure.  At home, therefore, chocolate is a treat, usually given as a reward for sustained good behavior.

Unfettered by such constraints in the splendid isolation of the Infectious Diseases ward of the UCLH, I have indulged myself.  Naturally, I was now concerned that through ignorance (I was unaware of the beneficial effect sugar has on bacteria) I may inadvertently have been retarding my recovery and commensurately increasing the length of my incarceration.

They do say that people tend to nibble more if they are inactive or bored.  I was both so thought I would quickly tot up my chocolate consumption over the 16 days I have been in hospital:

6 packets of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Biscuits

2 large bars of Galaxy chocolate

2 packets of Cadbury’s Chocolate Fingers

1 packet of Jaffa Cakes

1 Packet of Fig Rolls

1 large pack of Galaxy Cookie Crumble

2 Packets Cadbury’s Double Choc cookies

2 packets Cadbury’s Oat and chocolate chip cookies

32 bars of Twix (I like Twix)

That only works out to a packet of biscuits or chocolate and just two Twix per day so not really what any reasonable person would call excessive, and surely not enough to have appreciably improved the performance of bacteria, however voracious.

I have just been visited by the Very Well Dressed Lady Registrar.  Apparently I am to be transferred to the Royal Free next week to undergo plastic surgery there after all.  This is a bloody nuisance.  Apart from the fact I will lose my spectacular view, it has taken me just over two weeks to train nurses and ancillary staff to the high standard of personal service I expect. I  can change my own dressings, I get my cup of tea at five in the morning, I have extra blankets and pillows and generally get away with murder.  I now feel like a lag who has successfully ingratiated himself with the screws and enjoys all sorts of normally unavailable concessions only to discover he is being transferred to a gaol notorious for the brutality of its staff (for Christ's sake they flay people alive there!). 

I asked the Very Well Dressed Lady Registrar for permission to tremble my bottom lip which was granted with palpable sympathy.  I gave it the best I had, a truly RADA performance but it cut no ice.  I will be transferred, no doubt kicking and screaming constrained by a badly tailored jacket with a zip up the back and overly long sleeves similarly secured, to the Royal Free sometime early next week.

It has just occurred to me, with my international readership, that some of you may not know what ‘sectionable’ means.  To ‘section’ someone here in UK means detaining them under the relevant section of the Mental Health Act 1983 and 2007.  Under a Section 2 you are detained in hospital for assessment of your mental health and to get any treatment you might need. Anyone so detained is deemed as having been ‘sectioned’ and anyone warranting such detention is deemed as ‘sectionable’. I classed the husband of the Very Pretty Bubbly Specialist as sectionable when I first met her because, until I disavowed her of the wholly optimistic impression of Angola fed to her by her husband (who has never been to the country), she told me he had every intention of taking her there for their exotic luxury African holiday.  She has done so much for me so I was pleased to be able to return the favour by suggesting they sat down together to read my blog and delighted when she told me yesterday that they will be going to the Maldives instead.  My blog is, therefore, not only (I like to think) entertaining, it saves marriages as well for God knows what she would have done to him within hours of their arrival.  It is ironic to ponder that had he been sectioned, he would probably have ended up on the top floor of the very institution to which I am being transferred, which would have given me the opportunity, no doubt, to regale him with tall stories and repartee thereby sending him irrevocably insane.

The soup dragon has just been.  I shouldn’t call her that really because she is neither green nor huge but which child of the Sixties could forget the Clangers?  Instead of an inch in a small plastic bowl, she gives me two large mugfuls to nurse until the next mealtime.  They make the odd mistake.  For supper yesterday I ordered bangers n mash with baked beans.  I received a baked potato with cheese, beans and salad.  This evening I had ordered salmon filet and they brought me a multi-layered plastic package which, once I had fought my way in, I discovered was a Kosher salmon filet.  Can anyone tell me what the difference is between an ordinary salmon filet and a kosher one?  Or is it because we are in London where ‘kosher’ means genuine?  Perhaps that’s it, the salmon I was eating before was farmed while this, being kosher, was wild caught.  It certainly was better quality and the vegetables I noticed were more al dente peas than carrots whereas the goy vegetables I was being served before were more mushy carrot than peas.

Somebody left an unusual looking chair outside my door (I usually sit here during the day with the door open).  Fitted with small wheels, it was the wires and what looked like a control panel that sparked my interest and a desire to see just how painful shock therapy might be.  It was, I discovered, nothing more interesting than a set of scales for those too lazy to stand.  I have not weighed myself in ages but I knew I was well over 80 kgs and had set myself a mental target of getting below that as soon as possible (hence my restraint with the chocolates),  I was delighted to find I weigh only 78 kilos.  That delight was short lived when Her Majesty-Majesty, the nursey looking after me tonight (who bears an uncanny resemblance in both appearance and manner to Black Adder’s Queen Elizabeth I) pointed out that I could not count that weight loss as due to any effort on my part since it had been sliced off me 'and that my dear little Sir Thomas is cheating!  And we all know what happens to cheats, don't we?  They get their little heads chopped orf!'.

The temperature and pressure man came in at six.  He has wised to me taking a swig of hot chocolate as soon he turns his back on me after sticking a thermometer in my mouth and now uses a device that involves sticking something in my ear.  To be honest, that is pretty damn sporting of him.  Had I tried that trick with Nurse John Gray I am sure I would now be sitting uncomfortably with an equine use only thermometer shoved where the sun doesn’t shine. 


The poor man has still not cottoned on to my skill at influencing the readings of the blood pressure machine though.  By flexing my arm muscles at just the right moment, I can come out with some incredibly low blood pressures.  There are rules to the game of course (by definition a game has to have rules).  Any fool can muck up the readings but they don't count unless the nurse records them in the notes.  I was rubbish at this to start with and the nurses would take one look at the reading, think to themselves, ‘that can’t be right!’ and repeat the test, but I have had plenty of practice refining my technique enhancing it with deception plans and distractions. Today I watched with exquisite glee as the nurse recorded in my notes a blood pressure of 74/43.  A genuine reading this morning was 120/78.

‘That’s a bit low,’ I said.

‘Ya bin sittin’ aran too much,’ he replied.  How the fuck I keep a straight face!  Shit, I should have been a poker player.


An hour later the lovely Mia came on duty and marched into the room towing the temperature and pressure machine.


'It's been done at six o'clock!' I protested.


'I know Thomas, but since you're obviously not in hypovolumic shock I am going to do it again.  I also know,' she added, 'that somehow, you had something to do with it so lay your arm there and keep it still!' 

I half expected her to lift the hem of her uniform to reveal a cocked pistol secured by a garter to her thigh and say, 'If you so much as breathe your blood pressure really will be low!'  The girl is going to go far.  At least it shows that oncoming duty nurses review patient notes.


I really am going to miss this place, best few weeks I've had in ages!

31 comments:

  1. I am sure you will be of interest when you go to the new hospital. I had no idea that sugar made bacteria more potent... Must remember this. I normally drink lucozade when I have tonsillitis. that must be really bad.

    hope the move goes ok

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is tonsillitis caused by bacteria or a virus? I had heard that chocolate exacerbated acne so maybe there is some truth to that,

      Delete
  2. You are obviously bored Hippo :-/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One makes the best of it! For example, there are 42 tiles to the false ceiling in my room...

      Delete
    2. It must be a message from the universe, according to Douglas Adams 42 is the answer to "life, the universe and everything".

      Delete
    3. Now I need to discover the question...

      Delete
    4. That IS the question: "What is the answer to life, the universe and everything?" and the answer is "42"

      Delete
  3. chocolate is the cure for everything...though i loathe the stuff. i can't even stand the smell of it! are you a tiny bit bored?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tiny is not the adjective that springs to mind.

      Delete
  4. Note to self - visit the little girls room before reading Hippo's posts. I now find it necessary to change the linen having pissed myself laughing. Greetings from Melbourne. You even managed to bring a chuckle out of my normally dour Yorkshire born hubby (need i say more?) . Look forward to catching up on past posts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He was chuckling at the thought of a southerner suffering...

      Delete
  5. Yes now that the shine has worn off your exotic tropical disease, and you have become far too friendly with the prison staff you have outlived your usefulness to high academia and correspondingly you shall be relegated to the basement dungeons of the great socialist healthcare machine to become another faceless statistic. I only pray you do not meet nurse Ursula.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but aren't you Americans dying for want of a socialist healthcare system?

      Delete
    2. Not any more, we've now got something called the Affordable Healthcare Act, or in street parlance Obamacare. It was supposed to solve all the "problems" of those uninsured. which were not really uninsured because we have something called Medicaid-Medicare we already pay for, which through bureaucratic ineptitude they already totally drove in to bankruptcy.. Only someone told us Congress must vote for this Obamacare in order to find out what was in it. Bit of a pig in a poke. Well they did vote, and we found out. They told us it would be FREE, "eberysing free in america", and a whole lot of other stuff that wasn't true either. But you gets what you pays for. Now we have a broken Medicaid-Medicare and an Obamacare (not to be confused with the previous Hillarycare) we must all sign up for and pay for except no one can sign up for it especially those that won't lift a finger to help themselves. The real trouble is now Canadians won't have a place to go when they need attention they can't get in the Canadian healthcare system. Truth be told there was never a problem to begin with but as soon as the political hacks can get their hands on it you know there is going to be a problem.

      Delete
  6. come on, the truth is you are going to relish your opportunity to train another bunch of innocents!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to admit I do like a challenge!

      Delete
  7. You are beginning to remind me of that L'Oreal advert (boring as it is): "Because you are worth it".

    Try not to drain NHS resources. Some people actually live in this country.

    Thirdly: Chocolate and Alex. It's very simple, Tom: As soon as you make something "a treat" it becomes desirable. Remember forbidden fruit? Does get you thrown out of paradise. Fourthly: You do realize the correlation between your sweet tooth and alcohol, don't you?

    Other than that: Condolences to the Royal Free. I'd visit you. Unfortunately restrained by ... never mind.

    U

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 'Some people actually live in this country'. Yes, and a lot of them are foreigners...

      You cannot imagine how emotional I feel at the thought of you not being able to visit me.

      Delete
  8. "It has taken me just over two weeks to train [staff] to the high standard of personal service I expect.." resonates with me as I mould our nice new maid into the domestic goddess I wish looking after the inhabitants of this little household.

    You are obviously enjoying yourself and finding ways to relieve the boredom, taking your cue from "Carry on Matron". As someone noted, your sugar dependency is a result of not getting it through alcohol. Last night the author of Fed Up:

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2381335/

    was saying that the use of sugar by kids is a form of child alcoholism. Apart from the obvious places, (such as all the yuck you have been eating), it's also in so many foods as an additive.

    You have to take care of your blood sugars. So whilst you're at it, why don't you ask them to run a test on that*; it's seriously important for prevention of strokes, diabetes etc.

    *assuming of course you haven't mastered that procedure in your medical training over the last two weeks.

    Here endeth today's lesson/lecture!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it was really interesting and I am taking the advice of the Pretty Bubbly Specialist with the Certifiable Husband seriously and am only putting one sugar in my hot chocolate drink.

      Delete
  9. Just for your information, a Kosher Salmon is one that's been circumcised.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A circumstance no doubt achieved by sending four skin divers down.

      Delete
  10. Sounds like you are well and truly on the mend. Glad to hear it..... Now don't go and muck up the next step!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You try stepping out with a hole in your leg!

      Delete
  11. Good to hear that you are moving on to the next step…though I doubt you can actually walk!! I might try another card to you…..now I know your name, rather than having to put " Tom..man with a hole in his leg from Angola". There must have been several of that description in UCLH and somebody else got it! ( or did it finally get to you, albeit a week late?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you might have seen by my most recent post that the Red Cross parcels have made it through to the Stalags. Thank you very much. They were no doubt delayed by the censors, I have tried ironing it and washing it in my own urine but I haven't found any secret love messages yet.

      Delete
    2. I will get some invisible ink for the next one!! (If I can find something appropriate and funny enough!)

      Delete
  12. Sorry to hear you are leaving the 5* luxury institution for the 2* stalag down the road, but you'll be able to have the next lot of staff in your hand in no time. A change is as good as a rest. I bet you'll miss the view though. Hope they don't give you the view of the dustbins. I thought I was a chocoholic, but what you've consumed in 16 days would last me a couple of years! As for kosher salmon - it means it observes Yom Kippur (kipper, get it?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha ha! Very witty!

      Glad I set a new benchmark for you regarding 'Chocoholic'!

      Delete
  13. Is this the one? So I can send package?

    The Royal Free Hospital

    Pond Street, London, NW3 2QG

    love,
    Els

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That probably is the address of the Royal Free for all I know but in view of this morning's joyous news, I'd stick with the good old UCLH address!

      Delete

Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.