Sunday 18 May 2014

Ha Ha! What a Glorious Day!

The sun has got his hat on, Hip-hip-hip hooray!

Actually I need to be careful there, don't I?  I have already been censured once for being wildly non pc when (you recall the kosher fish and the better vegetables?) I asked Her Majesty-Majesty why the Jews here get nicer peas.

Clearly, the Very Well Dressed Lady Registrar's heart is brimming with compassion for quite obviously the raw emotion I threw into my bottom lip trembling performance must have left her deeply moved.  This morning she came to see me and told me that instead of being transferred to the Royal Free, they would keep me here and on Wednesday take me over there where I will be operated on as a day patient before being brought back here to recuperate (note to self: take a good book along).

Naturally, in a community as close knit as that found in an infectious diseases ward, news travels fast.  'Oh God!' wailed one nurse, overcome with joy.  Another sank to her knees to give Him thanks, tears of happiness coursing down her cheeks, 'He's not going!' she cried.  It all brought a bit of a lump to my throat.

I received a bunch of mail as well including one from as far afield as Camarillo, California.  It did not look like a communication from the IRS so I risked opening it.  Thank you Ann.  I am gratified you want to visit Fort Hippo when it is up and running but would draw your attention to the section of my last post dealing with being sectionable. Nevertheless, if you are a comfortably well off masochist, by all means visit but my place is really only aimed at those already in Angola for their sins and for whom anything is an improvement on Luanda.  Addy, recognising that I still had one addiction to deal with thoughtfully included a packet of the strongest mints I have ever tasted.  Through streaming eyes I squinted at the packet and read 'Exocet' but as my eyes cleared I realised the words were 'Extra Strong'. Frances sent me the most singularly appropriate card, sadly I have no scanner to hand to share it with you but it shows a patient in bed with a doctor saying, 'Hmmn, someone has been fiddling with their medical notes, haven't they?'  Hanging on the foot of the bed is a sign saying 'Nil by mouth' to which has been appended, 'Except Chocolate and red wine'.  As a multi hitter, this card gets home runs for we all now know of the days I endured nil by mouth, my weakness for chocolate and my school boy efforts to interfere with my medical notes.  Lettice Leaf forced me to cast my mind back 36 years to my basic signals training which really did not help me until I discovered the key on the back of the card so Lettice Leaf, -  ....  .-  -.  -.-  ...!  My good friend Paul and his lovely soon to be wife Karen sent me a most interesting card.  Now that I have read it I am reasonably confident I will be able to tell the difference between an orgasm and a heart attack, useful as the frequency of both for me are about the same...

I have had many visitors bearing gifts and I am sure they will waive the need for me to thank them all here but special mention must be made of the Idiot Gardener and the Suburban Bushwacker, neither of whom I had ever met before; we know each other through our blogs.  So determined was IG to satisfy a craving I had he scoured the wildest corners of the home counties until he found the last remaining herd of wild biltong and through stealth and guile was able to cull a fine example bringing me back an entire marinated and air dried example raising, on the way to my room, a few eyebrows as he dragged it, bleating plaintively through the corridors of UCLH.  IG's endurance was matched by that of SBW who took on the apparently simple task of arranging mobile broadband for me.  My brother Micky had fixed me up with what T-Mobile assured him was the solution to my problem but, and I shan't go into it now or we'll be here all day, suffice to say that choosing T-Mobile and their service partner EE was a very expensive mistake which left me certain that their criteria for employing customer service agents depended to a large extent on how close a resemblance applicants bore to a certain part of the female anatomy.  SBW gamely submitted to the intimate internal examination, blood and DNA testing the retailer demanded and was able to return to my room with his dingle shredded and a Virgin dongle for me.  I can now access the Flordita.com mail server and send emails again so if you received an email yesterday that seemed strangely out of date, you now know the reason why; it was my outlook outbox relieving itself at last. 

Now, with all this extra time, I can turn my thoughts once again to mischief.  I wonder if I can convince them that I am really a 'ghost' patient sent in by 'Bob the Builder', Sir Robert Naylor, CEO of UCLH, to report on the standards of service and patient care in his hospitals.... Nah.  Can't see the point really, they're already waiting on me hand and foot.  Any witty suggestions you may have gratefully received, you know the address.

A much recovered blogger at work.
Note sterile surgical eCig pointing device.

26 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Yes, but keep the address to yourself, please...

      If the herrings are going to swim the Channel, to get to the hospital they will have to swim up the Thames. They should be well marinated when they get here!

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    2. they will be marinated, pickled and knackered by the time they reach you!

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    3. Els! I was joking! There was no need for you to delete your comment! Don't you get it? You post the address that everyone knows anyway asking me if that's the one and I say, 'yes, that's the address but keep it to yourself!'

      Well I thought it was funny.

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    4. sorry, got lost in translation :-) !!

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  2. Tom, you look hale and hardy. I am really happy for you as no one should have to suffer so much pain and trouble. Bet your family is cheering you on and waiting your return. And the bonus, you finally got the e cig and can get the meds you wanted to help you quit. Take care.

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    1. Don't overstate the pain and trouble, it was only a burst pimple!

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  3. So pleased that you got the card...I don't send cards to just anyone ! Glad that you are seemingly on the mend. X

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    1. Your card did make me larf!

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    2. That was the intention..glad it succeeded. X

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  4. Wow you look much better! Glad you're doing so well. I'm sure the hospital staff is thrilled that they will continue to have Sir Hippo to care for!

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    1. I am so popular, apparently the nurses draw straws to see who gets to look after me!

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  5. I quite surprised that the wardens allow that E-Fag; don't they EXPLODE?

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    1. Daily Mail rubbish. I did not ask permission to 'vape', I just did and so far, no one has said anything.

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    2. I just checked and apparently there HAVE been cases of exploding wardens. Nothing on eCigs though.

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  6. I hate to burst your euphoria, but herewith an article from the Daily Fail:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2632076/Are-e-cigarette-smokers-risk-superbugs-Vapour-helps-deadly-bacteria-thrive-say-scientists.html

    so if you're trying to eliminate bacteria, perhaps the the e-cigs have to be restricted, along with the chocolate.

    All this unsolicited and unwelcome advice is given with your best interests in mind!

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    1. Columnist, when I hear "with your best interests in mind" I run so fast I break my own record.

      The last time someone had "my best interest" in her mind had me reduced to daily tears for three years. In my own best interest I have taken to biting on a beautiful piece of driftwood to stifle screams in successful attempt to divert that which pains me.

      Being the sister accident prone Hippo should, by rights, have: For once I won't needle him but defend his right to do as much damage as possible with as little as is left to him.

      You know, Columnist, if the health police have their way, one of these days we will get pickled at birth to preserve us perfectly. No chance of dying by increments.

      U

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    2. Common sense (something all DM readers lack) indicates that eCigs are a healthier alternative to tobacco.

      2 million (up from 700k) people in UK agree,

      I can buy wholesale cigarettes for 50p a packet. In UK cigs are £8,50 a packet. I think it reasonable to assume, therefore, that £8,00 of a pack sold in UK goes to the government and the tobacco company recoups its costs and profit from the 50p.

      An eCig costs £20 to buy and about £8,50 a month to maintain (coils in vaporizers only last 2-3 weeks, batteries don't last forever), parts which cost the eCig manufacturer 50p, We can assume, therefore, that the tobacco companies lose clients, the government lose revenue and the eCig manufacturer makes 1,600% profit. And then there is the eLiquid at £5 per 10ml. Again, pennies to make,

      Lobbyists will do all they can to ensure that eCigs are classed as medical devices, are unhealthy, dangerous even and with breathtaking fucking irony will play the kiddie card and bleat how it glamourizes smoking and encourages the transition to real cigarettes. If eCigs weren't available most, not all, of kids willing to try them would buy the real thing instead.

      You know the real issue here, the one that really amazes me?

      Such a large percentage of the population are genuinely so thick and gullible, they believe this crap and anything else they read in the DM or see on Sky News.

      The reason I am allowed to 'vape' in hospital is because the average IQ of medical professionals is vastly superior to that of the general population and off the scale when compared to DM readers. Although they dare not say so for fear of the angry mob's vitriol, they know 'vaping' is generally harmless.

      I realise you weren't for a minute suggesting I gave the DM article any credence but were merely teasing me!

      Delete
  7. You must be ill with such a short blog entry. My coffee was still hot at the end! (Joke!) Seems like a good move to keep you there to treat and just send you out as a day patient for the surgery. A tome such as War and Peace might just about cover it.

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    1. But the posts are more frequent! Try treating them as something for the weekend, Sir.

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  8. I wish I had had the time to pop in to see you on Saturday but we had a cup final to attend and - I know this may sound offensive but - in my mind - seeing the cup final took priority over bringing seedless grapes to a rapidly healing hippo. Sorry.

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  9. Good to see that you are of health.

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  10. Enjoy your fun trip out to the Royal Free tomorrow…hope they stitch you up good and proper! X

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  11. Yes its all true, after five or so years of conversing online I've met Tom, and I'm delighted to report that he's both doing well and is EXACTLY THE SAME IN REAL LIFE he is the Tom we know from the pages of this blog.

    Tom you were in theatre when I came by this evening, Good Queen Bess has been kind enough to set aside a usb for you.

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  12. glad to hear you're continuing to mend.

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  13. At first glance I thought you were smoking a hookah. Glad to read you're in good spirits. I would have liked to have visited you but with two kids with chicken poxs its doubtful they would let us out again!

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Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.