This post is Piss!

God, I wish I could do that!

When I was a young kid, I peed the bed.  I used to get beaten for that.  The more I was beaten, the more I peed the bed.  I was so terrified I used to take my pillow and sleep on the floor and would then swamp the carpet.  I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t help it.

Marcia and I toilet trained little Alex very quickly but, being only a toddler fresh out of nappies he swamped the bed occasionally too.  Fortunately we had a large palm tree right outside our door.  I made it a nightly Man ritual for the two of us to stand there in the dark and piss on the palm tree before retiring to bed.  Alex thought this was amazing fun.  Marcia thought it was disgusting and complained which made it amazing fun for me too.

Pretty soon Alex stopped peeing the bed and would even wake me and in a sleepy voice say, ‘Daddy, I need the palm tree.’  It will be a lovely little code between us bemusing all within earshot in the future.  So many people are coy when it comes to the loo.  Americans even go so far as to call them rest rooms.  This confused me as a kid growing up in Southern Germany where lots of very hospitable Americans and Canadians were stationed.  We'd get invited onto the base and the first thing we would be asked was whether we needed the 'Rest Room'.  We would always thank our hosts politely and tell them we weren't tired.  In future, we will be able to ask our guests if they need a palm tree.

When Alex gets his first serious girlfriend, I’ll remind him of that.  Every young suitor could only be impressed with his Dad having introduced to him his burning heart’s desire and the father opens the engagement with, ‘Do you remember how you used to swamp your mattress…?’

Mauro, who is ten and is staying with us for a while has swamped his bed a few times now.  He is dreadfully embarrassed about it and when Marcia made a few jokes, with the best intention of letting the boy know she did not see it as an unforgiveable crime, I checked her fearing public discussion of the boy’s nocturnal toilet habits would only increase his shame and worsen the problem.  The thing is that when a kid gets tired, it goes to bed and can’t be bothered to visit the loo first.  Make peeing fun, though, and it will look upon the act as an amusing ritual.

There are loads of palm trees in our new garden but I have recently developed a slight aversion to wandering around the garden at night so I had to think of another fun place to pee.  If it wasn’t to be anywhere in the garden, that left only one other alternative, pee off the veranda!   Naturally, to make it even more interesting, we can see who can pee the furthest, or who can hit that coconut husk.  I reckon that in no time at all I will have cured Mauro of his bedwetting without having to delve into any psychological reasons for a ten year old boy to be bedwetting.  I am in no way qualified for that and feel so long as he is treated with love and affection along with the opportunity to piss himself with laughter at Marcia’s reaction (heartily encouraged by his lunatic ‘Uncle’), he’ll cure himself.

I can’t make this post a long one, I’m busting for a slash.  Marcia has just arrived home and we've been saving it all day!