Friday, 29 November 2013

This post is Piss!

God, I wish I could do that!

When I was a young kid, I peed the bed.  I used to get beaten for that.  The more I was beaten, the more I peed the bed.  I was so terrified I used to take my pillow and sleep on the floor and would then swamp the carpet.  I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t help it.

Marcia and I toilet trained little Alex very quickly but, being only a toddler fresh out of nappies he swamped the bed occasionally too.  Fortunately we had a large palm tree right outside our door.  I made it a nightly Man ritual for the two of us to stand there in the dark and piss on the palm tree before retiring to bed.  Alex thought this was amazing fun.  Marcia thought it was disgusting and complained which made it amazing fun for me too.

Pretty soon Alex stopped peeing the bed and would even wake me and in a sleepy voice say, ‘Daddy, I need the palm tree.’  It will be a lovely little code between us bemusing all within earshot in the future.  So many people are coy when it comes to the loo.  Americans even go so far as to call them rest rooms.  This confused me as a kid growing up in Southern Germany where lots of very hospitable Americans and Canadians were stationed.  We'd get invited onto the base and the first thing we would be asked was whether we needed the 'Rest Room'.  We would always thank our hosts politely and tell them we weren't tired.  In future, we will be able to ask our guests if they need a palm tree.

When Alex gets his first serious girlfriend, I’ll remind him of that.  Every young suitor could only be impressed with his Dad having introduced to him his burning heart’s desire and the father opens the engagement with, ‘Do you remember how you used to swamp your mattress…?’

Mauro, who is ten and is staying with us for a while has swamped his bed a few times now.  He is dreadfully embarrassed about it and when Marcia made a few jokes, with the best intention of letting the boy know she did not see it as an unforgiveable crime, I checked her fearing public discussion of the boy’s nocturnal toilet habits would only increase his shame and worsen the problem.  The thing is that when a kid gets tired, it goes to bed and can’t be bothered to visit the loo first.  Make peeing fun, though, and it will look upon the act as an amusing ritual.

There are loads of palm trees in our new garden but I have recently developed a slight aversion to wandering around the garden at night so I had to think of another fun place to pee.  If it wasn’t to be anywhere in the garden, that left only one other alternative, pee off the veranda!   Naturally, to make it even more interesting, we can see who can pee the furthest, or who can hit that coconut husk.  I reckon that in no time at all I will have cured Mauro of his bedwetting without having to delve into any psychological reasons for a ten year old boy to be bedwetting.  I am in no way qualified for that and feel so long as he is treated with love and affection along with the opportunity to piss himself with laughter at Marcia’s reaction (heartily encouraged by his lunatic ‘Uncle’), he’ll cure himself.

I can’t make this post a long one, I’m busting for a slash.  Marcia has just arrived home and we've been saving it all day!



20 comments:

  1. Now I understand why the old man used to say "I don't like to drink, I just like to pee.

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    1. The boys can piss five yards. I'm lucky if I can avoid pissing on my shoes!

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  2. You are a very wise man...and very caring.

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    Replies
    1. It's just a veneer. Inside I am rotten to the core.

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  3. So easy to get past this problem, so evil not to.
    Good job, Unk, as we called my favorite uncle.

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    1. It's better than shouting at the poor little bugger.

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  4. How about having a target to shoot at - as in archery? Marcia could join in but I'm not sure she'd score well. A rubber mat or blanket beneath the top sheet could could help with laundry but you are very right to consciously address the bed-wetting matter with a relaxed, peaceful and non-judgemental response.

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    1. We tried shooting at the goose but it's too fast for us and, in hindsight, probably quite dangerous to wave yer pecker in front of a goose.

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  5. my boy used to wet the bed 4 nights out of 5 and all my maternal love never quite stopped me getting cranky in the middle of the night so i asked the chiropractor if he could do anything with it, which he did and liam wet the bed very infrequently after that. i doubt there are a whole lot of chiropractors in angola, though

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    1. I don't think so either. He hasn't peed the bed since we started this so I suppose that is a good sign!

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  6. A man in a rough Aussie country bar asked the barman if he could use the 'shit house' (not rest room), and the barman pointed to a door and said "out the back".

    The man was mid-pee behind a tree when a shot rang out and a bullet whistled past his ear.

    "You bloody pervert" shouted the barman "That's the Ladies".

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    1. Oh dear ~ pretty good delivery Cro' ~ probably not called a country bar! but maybe an Outback pub. Cheers!

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    2. Aren't they called 'Dunnies' down south?

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  7. That sounds like a perfect solution to me. I woke once to find my son aged about three standing up on his tall cabin bed peeing into the bedroom... he was asleep ! ( one to tell future girlfriends ! )

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    1. I've seen plenty of pissed up soldiers pissing into their own lockers in my time!

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  8. Hi there, if you cant cure it naturally, if it is becoming a problem and it is affecting his mental well being. There is a nasal spray, so people lack the chemical switch in their brain and don't get it till they are teenagers. and then other children like my friends developed it after their house was burgled twice when they were in bed.

    http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Bedwetting-Medicine-Treatments.htm#

    it looks like they don't do the nasal spray any more. but it worked in this case effectively from the first night. it can be upsetting and make a child with draw. I hope your game and encouragement by taking part helps. rather than other people who might shout. Your a very good parent.

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  9. Excellent post. A man after my own heart.
    I have to hold my todger with four fingers when trying to hit the coconut. Trouble is, I'm pissing on the last three fingers :)

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  10. They used to pour alcohol down there as punishment for me. My 6 year old daughter wet her bed also and I ordered a contraption that sounded an alarm buzzer when the first drops hit the undersheet. It only took two nights and she never wet the bed afterward.

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    1. What does she do when the doorbell rings? Mmm...I wonder.

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  11. At 40 i was still bed wetting until Dr Masade used his AFRICA ROOTS AND HERBS to help my situation and i can gladly say i am totally free, anyone out there can contact Dr Masade on masadeinstanthelp@gmail. com or whatsapp +2349034745112

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