Thursday 14 November 2013

Diplomacy

I guess he did not include beetroot in his diet

I once asked a Scottish Minister whereabouts in England he came from.  Such a faux pas could have been excusable, at a stretch, had the Minister not been wearing a kilt, a Sporran and no doubt a Skean Dhu tucked into his sock he was itching to use.  Even Marcia had twigged the guy was definitely not English.

Marcia and I had been invited to the Queen’s birthday celebrations at the British Embassy and the Ambassador was kind enough to introduce us to the Minister.   A UK politician.  You can imagine how I danced on tippy toes sucking in and out of a paper bag to cure my palpitations.  I don't suppose I will ever again get the chance to apologise to the Ambassador for not taking the introduction seriously.

We all, in our time, ask stupid questions and are in turn sometimes asked stupid questions and have different ways of dealing with them.  In this case, the Minister diplomatically took it as a joke and merely said, ‘Aye, right!’ and laughed it off but the Ambassador knew I’d spent too much time at the cocktail bar again.

Here in Angola, the question I am most often asked to answer is how, in my opinion, such a small island as Britain could end up dominating half the known world.  Well, it is quite simple, really.  A chap called Robert Moray pulled together an unlikely alliance of former Parliamentarians and Royalists and after the Restoration secured royal patronage for a society dedicated to the philosophical study of the sciences whose initial, but unstated aim was to improve the King’s Navy, especially the means to determine Longitude and improve ship design so that Britain could kick the Dutch in their herrings and dominate world trade…

Much later…

…and with access to all these natural resources, both domestic and international, Britain was able to kick start the industrial revolution and with an efficient Navy was able to extend its influence across the globe and ensure that any colonies with nascent notions of independence were subdued lest there be another tea party…

Much, much later…

The guy is standing there friendly as anything just trying to break the ice, I’m not going to bore him to death with a considered answer.

‘Comfortable furniture,’ I usually say and then, sensing the bewilderment of my interrogator add, ‘especially chairs.  A chap cannot be expected to formulate the means to exploit original thought unless he is comfortable enough to consider them. 

An African assimilating post prandial positive thoughts in my battered old English chair.
He's only three P's short of getting it right.
There can be no doubt.  I am getting bloody cynical, worse than usual. 
Let's just cut the bloody toe off and have done with it.
Leave me with enough leg to have a leg over.
I just want a decent night's sleep.
I'll confess to anything. 
I shot Kennedy and I can still remember where I buried Jimmy Hoffa.
I just want to sleep.


39 comments:

  1. Yoghurt knitter here

    When are you leaving for the Dr's then? Is there nothing that can be done? I take it is so bad you daren't put a picture up. Where is Nurse Gray? ...

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    1. I promised Our Man in Thailand no more icky photographs.

      The Docs jabbed me twice a day with intravenous injections for seven days, I have spent many more nights and every morning vomiting into the toilet.. The pain is unbelievable. I am just tired, Sol, so very bloody tired. And all because of a stupid nip on the toe.

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    2. I have no idea where Nurse Gray is, I expected an immediate ticking off from him.

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    3. hells bells! you had a bloody good go at it though!

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  2. Can't believe it, Tom. When I hear people talk about being 'so very bloody tired' my alarm bells start ringing beyond Notre Dame. Since my bed side manner is atrocious - I will sit on the part that hurts you the most - I leave you in the capable hands of Matron John. She'll soon have you march again - or at least find you quarters in one of his chicken coops. Wasn't there a John Wayne film with him being called 'Rooster'. Ask disaster film. Hel'll know.

    As to your history lesson, myself being somewhat of an aficionado of the subject, am being reminded of a teacher. He was a Jesuit. Sarcastic in the extreme. Educated beyond the realm of the humanly possible. And a looker. Never got a chance to ask him what drove him to teaching eighteen year olds. Funny what we remember people for - decades down the line. Great guy. Sardonic smile.

    Where I draw the line is that blasted cup of tea that the English think will cure all ills. It doesn't.

    U

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    1. My willy hurts me the most now that I think about. You're welcome to sit on that and we can discuss the first thing that comes up.

      I think it was in an episode of MASH were Hawkeye explodes with frustration treating a British soldier who had been shot in the stomach and he says, 'And what's the first thing the Brits do? Give him a cuppa tea! Haven't they heard of peritonitis?'

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    2. Even I spotted that one coming. This pain spans the continents.

      This will cheer you up.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvnxdLptWZA

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  3. I think your cynicism is in part from sleep deprivation. Or maybe some of the poison from the puff adder has addled your brain. Or a bit of both.

    So, you've been to the docs then? I missed that part, last i knew a mate of yours slit the wound with a razor blade to let the ick pour out.

    If i remember correctly, you don't/can't do morphine. Maybe quit smoking and drinking? Then you'll be jonesing for nicotine and alcohol, which will take your mind off the pain in your toe.

    I hope this resolves soon, Tom.

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    1. Hate to join in on the anti smoking campaign but is is not unheard of for people to lose fingers and toes due to circulation problems coming form nicotine. usually they have other issues too such as diabetes, alcoholism etc... but maybe, just maybe there is a nicotine affect on the circulation in the toe that is slowing down or preventing the healing. So, I dont know why you started holding the fag with your toes, instead of fingers but probably time to change. Maybe change for a pipe. A corn cob pipe or a pipe you hand make from the timber you have... Pipe smoking is the oldest form of smoking tobacco, developed during an era in which men would make time to sit at the end of a hard day’s toil, to rock back and forth in their favorite chair and observe the rotation of life. They had an understanding that prolonged satisfaction is greater than the immediate and fleeting gratification we have a tendency to seek today. A pipe is a man’s companion, his smoky warmth on a crisp winter day and the friend with which he watches the passing of time. A pipe requires patience. It instils calmness, observation, and contemplation.
      http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/08/09/how-to-make-a-corn-cob-pipe/

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    2. The Doc came here, provided the local medic with the ampoules.

      No, I don't do painkillers. I am trying to get hold of Nalmafene to help me kick the booze and E Cigarettes to help me kick the fags. I am also looking around for a rowing machine so I can get myself fit again.

      What Nige says occurred to me too so I had my blood sugar tested and it was OK. Circulation is definitely an issue as I am suffering from severe cramps from the knee down, especially at night, which just adds to the misery.

      I am definitely going to make a corn cob pipe. I have a wonderful stoep and comfortable chair on which to enjoy it! Do they sell pipe tobacco in Angola? If not I shall just have to grow and smoke my own Liamba. Now that would really would take my mind off my foot!

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    3. Looked up Nalmafene. Why not take a shortcut and take whatever it's called, starts with K, Kudzu, herb. And there is another one, on prescription, which makes you sick when combined with alcohol. Apparently. Who knows. I yet have to see anything that comes between a true alcoholic and his bottle.

      True trouble is - and I know this from my very short smoking career - that it's not only the physical addiction but the psychological. I fucking didn't know what to do with my hands for months. The reward. And then, of course, there is dopamine. On the Richter Scale of bastards dopamine is way up and should be eradicated. Still, the devil is God on a bad day. To lead us not so much into temptation as bloody dependence.

      We have had this conversation before, Tom, not least with Nurse John aka St Francis: Be very very careful.. Your body is used to the juice. You may wish to free yourself. And I hope your wish will be granted. Unlikely to happen at your age. This is not to discourage you, it's just a fact. Alcohol - at a certain level - changes brain structure. Even your poor liver would be crying out loud if suddenly finding itself deprived of work to do. Yes, I know, and am sorry, I am a fountain of useful non-comfort. Facts are facts. And that's a fact. Which reminds me: What happened to your drying out in Scotland idea?

      More on the subject where this comes from. Will give it a rest for the moment.

      Bear hug,
      U

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  4. toes are more important than we give them credit for, i hope you keep it!

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    1. Come late evening, I have difficulty keeping my balance with all ten toes functioning. Goodness knows how unstable I might be missing a big toe!

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    2. my grandfather lost 7 toes (including both big toes) in a sawmill accident and also suffered a disease that effects balance. how he ever managed to stay upright and work in a manual job, i will never know

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  5. Just for your info' Scotland is the whiskey producing area of Northern England. It resembles a very large walled garden (to keep the distillers from leaving).

    I think you may have to visit the local witch doctor about your toe!

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    1. The prescience of the man! See next post!

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  6. While I am no expert in history, I continue to be disturbed at the amazing level of ignorance most Americans show about the subject. Case in point is how numerous Americans somehow believe we have always dominated the globe with our wonderful brand of military might. Somehow, Pax Britannica gets lost in all the narcissistic self-worship that is called “American Exceptionalism” here in the States. It’s quite funny in a dark and disturbing way, if you ask those types of Americans any questions the entire existence of civilization begins at that Boston tea party.
    You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve become rather cynical myself when it concerns the United States. I have read enough history to know when any nation comes to believe their shit doesn’t stink and that everyone else in the world should love them for passing it around its only a matter of time before things go real bad for them.

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    1. I have nothing against Americans. I even drive a Jeep. I am deeply suspicious about the cynical venal foreign policy of their government.

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  7. Get on a plane and fly to South Africa or England or France or Germany and get some treatment for your toe if you don't trust the local doctors. Enough !!!

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    1. Can't afford to, I am too poor. All my money is tied up in land and buildings. Once they start earning, I'll start travelling!

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    2. Offer a trade. Your toe and a weeks holiday where the river meets the sea, in exchange for travel expenses and the infamy of being your salvation and bloody first customer.

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  8. Really, that toe does need sorting now...the National Health Service will treat anyone, so definitely head back to blighty and get it sorted before it falls off or kills you.

    The only thing I learnt in my first job was the line "The only stupid question is the one you don't ask"

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    1. Do NHS hospitals have smoking lounges with well stocked bars?

      Regarding stupid questions, you are absolutely correct. What really irritates me that having asked a stupid question, they are too stupid or lazy to listen to a considered answer.

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  9. The real reason that England and its small sister nations dominated the world and created its amazing empire was not the navy but the English character. Tell johnny foreigner that we are fine people with manners, imagination, humility, perseverance, strength, Marmite and Tetley's bitter.

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  10. I think the Navy had a hand in it but you are quite correct. Let's see how I stack up against YP's cricket test:

    Manners: Often criticised, especially by diplomats.

    Imagination: Plenty of that. I imagined I could make a fortune here.

    Humility: Nope.

    Perseverance: I have been here twenty years so I guess I have plenty of that.

    Strength: If I fall over, which I do all too often, I need my five year old boy to help me to my feet again.

    Marmite: I can barely remember it.

    Tetley0s Bitter: What I would give for a decent pint!

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    1. you cant remember marmite? For the love of god. put a donate button on the side to get you back here ASAP.

      Or alternatively, contact some publishers about your life in a book and get them to fly you to London.

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  11. I haven't posted, but I, too, am worried about your appendage. Please take care.

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    1. It'll be fine. Think of John Wayne in 'Wings of Eagles':

      I'm gonna move that toe.

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  12. We both had a wonderful father, a real man, like Trevor who introduced us to the world of cars, drink and respect for education. For gods sake dont you leave me now because of a stupid bite. Ive just got my self back from Syria....i have a wonderful new girl who went through it all with me I would like you to meet..and i am doing the 22nd because of you..so dont you fuckin.. Die on me now.......

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    1. Tristan, please do me a favour and tell me you are not Tom's brother.

      U

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    2. Welcome back to civilisation, Tristan. How many bullet and schrapnel holes in your suit does your tailor have to invisibly mend this time?

      I look forward to meeting your wonderful new companion but would hate her to see me like this. Let me get fit again first.

      I am very sorry I cannot be with you on the 22nd but you will be in good hands. Just remember to put your faith in the hands of those who will guide you through the ritual.

      I shall do my very best not to die for as long as I can.

      FYI, Tristan, Bitchontheblog is a Teutonic blond Aryan living in UK who needs a damn good seeing to by a real man. Perhaps while you are over there...?

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  13. Oh no. I thought the toe was healing. NOW you tell us it isn't. Do hope you can get some relief and a solution soon. Is there no way you could get a flight to somewhere moderately more medically savvy? If not Blighty, then South Africa or Zimbabwe maybe?

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    1. I think this is just a question of letting nature take its course. Besides, in today's world, airlines no longer have smoking sections and hospitals do not have smoking rooms with well stocked bars. I'd rather die happy at home than miserable in some hospital!

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  14. We were once a butchering empire washed down with tea.

    Husband ( a Scot ) was frequently asked what part of England he came from while skippering a yacht for ... Americans.
    He & his cook had a lot of fun once asking a group of American kids where various things were invented.
    They'd answer, " America " every time & he would correct in his dour way, " No, Scotland "
    I think nurse John is working nights at the mo xx

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    1. Poor old John. I hated night shifts. The longest stint I did without sleep was 96 hours by which time I was hallucinating so badly I was convinced there were mad slavering dogs about to attack me and I could see non existent washing hanging out to dry in the trees. Unless you have hallucinated, you won't appreciate how very real and scary it was! I got four hours sleep and then alarmed the shit out of the guy waking me up to tell me they needed me again by telling him I could not possibly go without taking my golf clubs. All the more surprising because at the time, I didn't play golf.

      I like Americans, but I love teasing them.

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    2. I hallucinated aged about 11 suffering another bout of tonsillitis with a raging temperature; I told my mum the little ornaments on my dressing table were jumping about & dancing !

      I like Americans too.

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    3. LOL try asking people what the capital of Africa is! lol I crease up at the answers some people give

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  15. Visiting the witch doctor sounds rather interesting. I reckon that could be a put the kettle on first blog. Good luck.

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Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.