A Personal and Public Apology to Big Don Alvito, I mean Alviti.

Ah SHIT!  Now how the hell am I going to get to work without polluting the planet?

They nicknamed me Gobber Gowans at Sandhurst because I just didn’t know when to keep my trap shut.  Now, with my latest post (which could very well be my last post), I have upset the under boss of one of the most powerful families in UK.

This is the message he sent me.  Very carefully worded and easy to convince a jury at a RICO trial that this was all nice and friendly but read between the lines…

Kev Alviti said:

I love the link, but I must pick on one fault (believe me I hate to do this and when you see what it is you'll understand why).

 

My name is Kev. Not Ken. Kev. I know this doesn't make it sound any better, in fact Ken might be the better choice. Although I like the name Big Don Alviti more, but alas we already call my father the Don - but it will be my turn one day!

I thought I'd say now before months had past and I'd just let you carry on, then there would have been that akward moment where you relise you'd been saying the wrong name and I just let you carry on!

I'm glad you like my surname though, I've always been rather partial to it - one people won't forget.

As for your builders maybe I should meet them! I've sacked plenty of guys in my time and if they're taking as long as you say maybe it's time to give them the push or go further and concrete them into the building, that way at least they'd be of some (structural) use!

Can I also say that your posts are written with such a degree of skill and humour that they are a joy to read (and I normally go for blogs with lots of pictures).

Thanks again and if you’ll excuse me I'm off to make a dress for my daughter out of some loo roll and an elastic band (we're not skint honest...) as it sounds like we have a wedding to attend to!

End of message

Whichever way you look at it, I am in the shit, aren't I?

I might be a dead man walking but I had to at least do the honourable thing and apologise so, this is to Mr Alviti:

 

Excelentíssimo Sr. Don Alviti,

This is why the Alviti Family and your Teflon Don have done so well.  Nothing sticks.  See, like I know there’s some veiled threats in there but the way you worded it there is nothing a decent prosecution lawyer can sink his teeth into:

“believe me I hate to do this”  (I don’t believe you for a second, we are both professionals. Bet you do it for a living and lose no sleep whatsoever, unlike me tonight)

“My name is Kev. Not Ken. Kev”  (like don’t ever make that mistake again. ‘I won’t I promise’, I say. Cue you saying, ‘You won’t, I promise’)

“but it will be my turn one day!”  (meaning: I am on borrowed time)

“I thought I'd say now before months had past…” (I know, I know, and then you’d have to kill me and still lose no sleep.  It is passed by the way, before months had passed, just thought I would mention it.  Oh God, now you are going for the nail gun)

"one people won't forget"  (Your name, yes, I know.  Kev Alviti, not Ken.  I will forget because I will be dead with my feet nailed to the floor boards but I take your point)

“I've sacked plenty of guys in my time”  (well, I have to admit, that is the best way to get rid of evidence, bag it up and deep six it)

“or go further and concrete them into the building”  (I was going to risk being flippant and ask how you could possibly concrete someone up in a wooden building but then I remembered that you could get a bunch of teamsters and enough cement lorries in at the drop of a Tommy Gun and a fur felt fedora hat to dump my car with me in the boot into my lounge and bury, me, my car and house in a pile of finest Portland cement and I shudder to think where the golf clubs I normally carry in the boot will have been parked)

Mr Alviti, Don Alviti in-waiting… Padrão Kev.  What can I say?  I meant no insult to you or your family.  I hold you and your father, 'Even Bigger' Don Alviti in the highest regard.  Even my Grandfather told me when he was bouncing me on his knee fifty years ago that although he had never heard of the Alviti Family (not surprising really, he was German and we were in Germany), I should never be disrespectful to them.  I disgraced not only myself but my wise old mentor, may he rest in peace (he was shot dead aged 90 by a jealous husband by the way but hey, most of us go out on the job in our business, don’t we?)

Please accept my humblest apology and let me make it up to you by sending over a load of Angolan handmade 3 ply toilet paper.  This is good stuff and doesn’t fall off the back of a lorry by itself (well, quite often it does, the roads are terrible here).  Only the best dress material for Ever-So-Big Don Alviti’s grand-daughter!

Would you mess with a Teamster?  Would you mess with a teamster who just happened to be the Under Boss for the Alviti Family?  No, I wouldn't either.

Nice to see that Alviti Family employees comply with the latest HSE dress codes mandated by the EU for hitmen.

Photo courtesy of Interpol

Of course my family and I would be honoured if you could attend the wedding.  Ok,the houses are wood but there will be a lot of concrete pathways so maybe we can discuss my contractors on site?  I realise that a pathway is only about a metre wide but we could always fold them in half?  The contractors, I mean, not the paths,

There you go, dear readers, Big Don Kev Alvito, hand crafted purlins, perfectly sorted suspended wooden flooors (and why ventilate them indeed?), stair cases and bannisters, walk in closets, beautifully fitted decking, pergolas, kitchens and jacuzzis.  And made-to-measure wooden overcoats (by special unattributable order only available through Amazon).