Tuesday 29 April 2014

Thanks for all your good wishes!

Not often a chap gets to read his own epitaph.

Back in 1995 I was declared dead.  I only found out because the UK press contacted my employers, de Beers, asking for a statement so they contacted me up country in Angola demanding to know why, if I was dead, I was still drawing my pay.

It was touching to read John Gray's description of a mythical figure, as rugged as the life he leads and realise John was writing about me.  I was also moved by the overwhelming number of messages of goodwill I received, they were most heartening.

Yes, I have been a bit under the weather recently and yes, I broke a lifetime's habitual aversion to hospitals by checking myself in rather than the usual, being carried in unconscious.  I am not really up to relating what would make a truly entertaining yet terrifying post of my experience in an Angolan hospital suffice to say it involved scalpels, hydrogen peroxide, squirting blood, the insertion of a garden hose in my thigh (which I later learned was called a drain), forceps, swabs four catheters each of which the inept nurse required five attempts to hit the vein and then managed to tear one out again after not realising he had taped his surgical glove to it and, above everything else, a remarkable absence of any form of anaesthetic, Angolan pain management evidently consisting merely of a couple of burly hospital porters pinning the patient down while muttering, 'Squeal, white boy, squeal.'

Sadly, not even Angola's finest were able to reverse or even slow a quite worrying infection so plans are being made to fly me back to UK on Wednesday.  This will be my first time back in UK in over a decade so I expect the taxi fare from Heathrow to the hospital in central London will come to a bit more than ten shillings.  For me, the stay in hospital will be unbearable knowing that not more than a few hundred yards away will be a pub with all the London Pride I could choke down.  To be honest, more than ever I am extremely grateful I kicked the booze for to cope with a stay in hospital AND a dependency on alcohol would have been too much for me.  I just hope they hand out nicotine patches on the NHS.

My brother will be flying over from Germany to meet me and take me to hospital.  He's a decent cove.  He told me not to burden myself with luggage, he would pick up everything I need in London.  He asked me my sizes and then said that for trousers, he would pick up the safari kind that have the legs that zip on so they can rapidly be converted to shorts.

'That's thoughtful of you,' I told him, 'in case the bandages make my leg too thick to fit down the trouser?'

'No,' he replied, 'in case by the time you come out of hospital you don't need a left trouser leg anymore.'

Hospitals are boring.  The last time I was in hospital for any length of time was after my first heart attack.  I was flown down to Johannesburg in an air ambulance and was wide awake when we landed.  I persuaded the ambulance driver to take the scenic route so I could see something of the city.  On the ICU they could not keep me in bed.  Also on the unit was a very frail old lady who received no visitors.  All day she would lie there clutching a beautifully bound volume of The Story of Civilisation - The Age of Reason Begins so I started to read it to her.  It was a very interesting book and passed the time for both of us but it wasn't half as interesting as her life once she opened up and started talking.  Leaving her to her inevitable solitude again was my only regret when an exasperated consultant told me, 'Do you know?  You are the fittest man I've ever had in intensive care, you can go home.'

I am not looking forward to going to hospital.  I am dreading the flight.  I have to walk onto the 'plane.  If I can't, the airline are going to want a medical clearance certificate to clear me to board.  Fortunately, Luanda is not like Heathrow so I will not have far to walk.  I am, though, going to have to climb the steps to the aircraft which will bring a tear to my eye.  This should, however, be unremarkable as most people cry when they leave Angola so hopefully mine will be mistaken for tears of joy.

I have no idea what is in store for me but I shall endeavour to keep you all abreast of developments.  I am sure that once I have had my first decent full English breakfast washed down with a mug of Quartermaster's Tea I shall be right as rain, especially if my brother does the decent thing and smuggles in a pot or two of Patum Peperium, a chunk of Stilton and a packet of Bath Oliver's.  In fact, I rather suspect that after exhaustive tests, the consultant will conclude that all I need do is buy larger underpants as the old ones were cutting off the circulation to my legs.  And that reminds me of the sad tale of poor old Arthur Pennington;

Poor old Arthur suffered all his life from an excruciating pain in his back which reached all the way to his neck.  No doctor or specialist could find a cure.  Finally, one consultant informed Arthur that relief could only be provided by castration.  Although aware of the effect such drastic action would have on their love live, Arthur's wife was supportive pointing out they were unlikely to have any more children at their age and could still enjoy a fulfilling life in each other's company with him finally free of this incessant pain.

After the operation he was indeed free of pain but very depressed so his wife, in an effort to cheer him up, suggested he had a new suit made.

'Which side do you dress, Sir?' asked the tailor.

'It does not matter,' replied Arthur somewhat embarrassed.

'Oh but it matters a lot, Sir,' said the tailor solicitously, 'if your trousers are cut the wrong way it causes a terrible back pain that reaches all the way up to your neck.'

Ta-ta for now...

58 comments:

  1. poor tom! this is really serious! is this something other than malaria related then? how long do you expect to be gone? i wish there was something i could do to help. please get better soon and i will send good energy your way! joyce

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think, this far from home, you may be obliged to do what the doctor orders! Please. All the best for a speedy recovery.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I do hope you are better soon and back to your family in Angola. Best wishes for a good recovery.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Figures. A woman gets pregnant and you commandeer all the attention, you misogynist you...

    Have safe travels, and mend well to get back to your loved ones, Tom.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Glad you are up to distant travel. Enjoy London again.











    ReplyDelete
  6. Tom: Monty Python skits aside, sounds like things are a bit worse than your regular bout of malaria. As you know by now we are all bucking for you and hope you get well soon. I realize there is little we can do for you from afar other than provide encouragement, but do not hesitate to let us know if there is anything we can do.

    ReplyDelete
  7. if anyone can make it through all of that, you can!

    do what they tell you, sometimes they say stuff for a reason and it's hard to know which times those are

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's reassuring to see that you still have your sense of humour; a good sign. Be good, take the pills, leave the nurses alone, and you'll pull through. All the best from over here, we all look forward to hearing of your recovery.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I realised that things were not normal by the absence of any posting, but I thought if that were the case then you would probably not be reading comments or emails. So, I am mightily relieved to have some news, although clearly it is a more serious situation, and I hope they cure you speedily and with care. I hope your brother's remark is only a sign that he shares your sense of humour.

    Apropos nothing to do with that, I came across this article:

    http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/angolas-new-import-tariffs-putting-the-squeeze-on-the-poorest-residents-in-one-of-the-worlds-most-expensive-cities-9278530.html

    which I filed for future reference to you, thus proving you were in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's great to see you posting, Tom. We are all cheering for you and sending you wishes for a quick and complete recovery.

    I, for one, will be looking forward to the stories you'll tell once you're well and back home. Please update us as you can!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good luck with your flight back to the UK and hope you are feeling better soon. I look forward to your Hippo in Hospital stories soon. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Look on the bright side, Tom. Recently you nearly lost a toe - now you may go the whole hog and lose a leg. Shit. And how often have I said that you don't do things by halves? I might add: Slow down. But I won't. That's cruel.

    Other than that I am battening down the hatches. Tom coming to a place near me?

    Which hospital? Though can guess. Do you prefer grapes or a dead daffodil?

    I like the sound of your brother. Should you refuse to see me I can always keep him company. And no, I am not a body snatcher. Good news being that if you were MY brother I'd whack you round the ears.

    Affectionately,
    Ursula

    PS Try not to get lost on some god forsaken detour of an ocean. We might not receive your signal.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Golly is anyone going to forewarn the nurses?!
    Good luck Tom. Sense of humour's still o.k at least. Wishing you a speedy recovery ; your expanding family need you.
    Hope you get to experience a little of Blighty again before being kicked back out.

    ReplyDelete
  14. All the best, Tom. I am keeping my digits crossed for you. Do what the nurses tell you to and get well soon.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This all sounds very worrying ! I hope that the UK medical profession can sort you out in double quick time….as Kylie says, do what they tell you. I am only 30 mins from London and will be sending good wishes down the railway line every time I pass under it on my way into town ( Harpenden). Thinking of Marcia too, having to cope on her own. Love to you all X

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hope your recovery is speedy and you get home to your family soon. Try and do as you are told!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Good luck buddy. Let us know where you are staying/detained. Maybe we can get you a few things to make your stay bearable.
    On a separate note we had a tgree legged hamster once and he got around fine.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hippo, all the best for the return to the UK and hospital. Maybe you could convince John Gray to come and nurse you. That will sort things out. By the way, that is some brother to help you out like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me nursing him?
      Send the poor bugger back to alcohol it would

      Delete
  19. Hippo, although I only discovered your blog quite recently, I've missed your interesting posts. I hope you make a good recovery. NHS pain relief will be the opposite of the Angolan version - you will be bombarded with drugs, whether you want them or not! Good luck and get well soon.

    Best wishes from Carol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Carol you are so right. They kept sticking stuff in my IV when I was asleep and I was desperate to go home and I had to have 24 hours with no pain medicine. So I sat there and folded the tube over and went to the nurses office to get them to take the damn thing out. (not a good patient ever!)

      Delete
    2. Hi Sol. I grew up in a family where illness was not an option. Unless we were dying of the dreaded lergy, we were sent to school. So when I really did have the lergy last year I was quite overwhelmed by the offers of drugs for every little ailment and then being asked if I wanted repeat prescriptions. Not complaining but just felt a bit overwhelmed by it all.

      Delete
  20. Keep your pecker up old fruit! On second thoughts perhaps not an appropriate suggestion... hope the infection hasn't got that far!

    LLX

    ReplyDelete
  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for the update Tom and I am keeping my fingers crossed that your unpleasant condition will be defeated in London. Marcia and the boys are going to miss you while you are away. If you are still there on May 17th you'll be able to see Hull City in their first ever FA Cup Final. Up The Tigers! Up The Hippos!

    ReplyDelete
  23. I hope that you will be feeling much better soon. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hippo! I was worried, it was so silent on the blogfront....so surely they will sort you all out in London *fingers crossed* and indeed, try to be good. I realize it taxes you immensely to behave ;)

    ReplyDelete
  25. You f**king old bugger. You're just like my brother-in-law who was kicked out of intensive care when he was caught smoking in the toilets!
    You have a gorgeous wife, great kids, and another on the way so it's comforting to learn that you are indeed looking after yourself. Be well, Mr Hippo, and best regards to your brother who sounds almost as much of a bugger as you are.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thanks for the update, Tom. We will be thinking of you over the next days and weeks.
    Helen and Graham

    ReplyDelete
  27. Have a good flight - If good wishes had wings, you wouldn't need the plane.
    We're all just worried that you'll ignore your nice British nurses and march out of the hospital trailing IV lines behind you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think everyone has said just about everything so I wish you an early welcome back to "dear old Blighty." Apart from access to endless supplies of tea, stilton etc (Don't mention the beer Pike!) you should be able to see the end of the world snooker and maybe some cricket. If you need a few days on the south coast, let me know. Love and best wishes to the family. Hearty hand shake for you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. OMG. I had not appreciated from your last post that things were this bad. Poor you. If you need any food parcels at the London end, let me know!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Just in case you don't get better what size boots do you take?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Take care and listen to the doctors. Praying for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Nipping over from North Wales via Trelawnyd to say I hope everything goes okay for you.

    Good luck with boarding the plane, it sounds barbaric to make you walk on :-(

    ReplyDelete
  33. Love you, Hippo. You've made the right choice, finally. Sometimes you have to buck up and do it, even if it is dragging you kicking and screaming. My best to you and look forward to hearing about your return home. When you get time, I'd really like to discuss help for the siblings of Frank. Be well.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'd rather face a charging rhino than any hospital, anywhere. So my heart goes out to you. I'll be hoping things don't get too screwed up for you back home while you're gone, so you'll have a peaceful recuperation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan - a charging Hippo will bill you for every penny he can get.

      Delete
  35. Very glad to hear some news of you but sorry about the need for a trip to England. Let's hope they can fix you there. Good luck to the doctors and nurses, behave yourself now ! ! !

    ReplyDelete
  36. All the best Tom....will be wishing you well....keep us posted x

    ReplyDelete
  37. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Wishing you well, Tom. If I wasn't almost 70 days smokeless, I'd light one in your honor. Can't wait for your return and you regaling us with more tales. Please take care.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hope you feel better soon!

    ReplyDelete
  40. Tom, Travel well and keep your pecker up!
    Let us know if you need anything in London.......

    ReplyDelete
  41. Been busy & just read this post. Hang in there, you have a crowd of friends wishing you the best. And hang on to that leg! Judging from what happened down south, you can't trust those robotic ones. Maybe give Dr Who a call.
    Seriously, we all care very much even though we haven't met in person.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Courage, mon ami!
    And also a big hug to Marcia!
    x
    Els

    ReplyDelete
  43. Whew!!! I'm so relieved to hear you're still kicking even if it is only with one leg right now. I sent you a text message a week ago, then called a couple days ago....no answer. Today I checked to see if I had Marcia's number....nope. I was getting ready to head to Fat Hippo's this weekend to check on you. Hoping you have a speedy recovery in London and looking forward to seeing you again in the next month or two.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Goodness, it must be bad if you voluntarily checked into hospital. Keeping you and yours in my t's and p's.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  45. This sounds quite serious. But it is wonderful to hear you have a sense of humor about it. I wish you well.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Right now, you have 100 followers. Sounds lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wishing you all the best. You have too much going on to get any sicker!! You have an international following that is pulling for you and don't you forget it :-)
    Barb from Canada

    ReplyDelete
  48. Remember being chased down the Ilha in a hospital gown from Sagrada Esperanca all those years ago? Tomas old chum, get well and let me know what hospital you are in as I know Cox a and Langlans would love to visit and take the piss!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Which hospital? I'll come and visit you. I might even bring cake!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Glad to hear you are getting the care you need. Get better, Nilpferd!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Only just catching up again...the NHS will no doubt sort you out and then we can get back to less gruesome tales....

    ReplyDelete
  52. Sending healing wishes your way, I'm sure they'll be pain medication and you'll come out of it laughing.
    Enjoy your time with family, rest if you can.
    Hugs
    ~Jo

    ReplyDelete

Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.