Sunday, 29 April 2012

Bugger my drivel... have to read this post over on Bambi Basher:

"...This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive..."

Please, stop it, my sides hurt too much.


  1. True, drivel should be buggered.

    Your friend, self confessed "40 something, fat", favourite interest "shooting", recycles hair, via Veet. I know nothing about that particular Bambi, but I did pay attention during biology lessons. As far as I remember there is no hair whatsoever where it counts. There is a reason for it. But it's not my job to explain it to you. Either the over 17s know or they never will.

    Still, I do appreciate the angst of your average David Beckham and/or gay guy. If I were Goddess I'd go back to my drawing board and make you hairless, not least to save you money. Just don't count on being quite so attractive to alpha females.

    Gillette Venus greetings,

  2. The 40 something is slipping by fast I'm afraid!

  3. I thought it was funny.

    I don't think Bambibasher is anywhere as near as effete as Beckham.

    As to everything else you said Ursula... beyond me I'm afraid!

  4. Yeah, well, Hippo: Beyond you, is it? Try a little harder.

    Beckham, who coincidentally could pass as my brother's identical twin, though not quite as articulate as my brother, is NOT effeminate. What's it with some of you guys? Afraid of a little grooming? Forget Veet. Make sure a suit hangs off you well (think Richard Gere). Smile - with your eyes (think Robert de Niro). And you'll be just fine. Fish less. Catch more.


  5. Ursula, I am sure your very expensive therapist has tried to tell you in so many kind and professional ways that you are barking fucking mad (without going so far as to lose a lucrative client) but, please, keep posting comments, I am told it helps with therapy and I would feel dreadful if one day I encountered you biting your own ankles in the street and it occurred to me that I may, in some small manner, have been responsible.

    Alternatively, you could come here. We could go fishing together, drink ice cold Caipirinhas and make bacon on the beach.

    With the greatest respect, well as much as a hoary old git like me could muster for the fairer sex, if anyone was in dire need of a length of lean pork, it is you. I promise, I would bathe and splash Brut all over me first.

  6. Brut? Forget it. Stuck in some time warp, are you? I weaned the Angel on Diesel.

    Will take you up on fishing, ice cold and bacon on the beach. Let's hope there'll be a catch.


  7. So, will you be suggesting to Marcia that you add this product to the store's inventory?

  8. Bugger that. Although, thinking about it, I can think of a few people I'd love to sell a big tube to and tell them for best effect, they should go out to the middle of the Namibe Desert (were there is no water for hundreds of miles) before smearing the lot on over the family trinkets.

    You are right, Megan, this could be a lethal 'under the counter' product for anyone who pisses me off.

    I love you sometimes. I reckon you might even hear the screams...

    I wonder what it does if you stuff some in some git's eye?

    No, no, come on Tom, be still my beating heart and all that. Today I had two coaches and countless cars and none of them would park where I told them. A dab of this stuff on my finger, a tap on the car window followed by a swift poke in the eye...

    I am going to dream about this tonight.

  9. Ursula, I think as far as fish are concerned, I can guarantee a catch. On the beach, however, the only catch for you would be me staking you out on it as otherwise I might feel as the fly does towards the spider. Bedding lunatics, after all, is considered a high risk pastime and as a sensible adult, I feel I should take precautions.

  10. You are all stark raving mad, you realise that, don't you? lol!

  11. Well two of us are at least JD. Ursula is nuts. I have no idea who or what she is but she comes out with the most outrageous stuff and she is so much fun because you can stitch back into her as hard as you like and she doesn't get upset. Well not on my blog anyway but I have to confess I have some stabbing chest pains all of a sudden so maybe she has a pierced effigy of me...

    The locals are saying that at this time of the year these sharks swim up river to give birth in a lagoon about a mile upstream so they usually start to catch a lot in their nets from about May onwards. Reassuringly they added that since the sharks are only interested in giving birth, they do not feed so that is why they do not attack. I had heard about bull sharks, especially in Oz. I had heard about Zambezi sharks but I never realised there were Kwanza sharks. Is there any way we can keep this quiet? After all, I do have a business to run...

  12. Re Bull sharks Tom;

    Bull sharks ARE Zambezi sharks - same thing. That last comment I left showed one in the Breede river SA that was being tagged. The fish were not just breeding but feeding in the river but left the local human population alone in return for loitering directly underneath small fishing boats and snatching the occassional hooked fish. As a result of this easy meal ticket they grew very large (9ft plus).

    Bull sharks have been seen / caught thousands of miles inland.

    Do locals go swimming off your beach? If so have there been any attacks? Just say 'no, no attacks, never seen a shark, what is a shark anyway?' Problem solved.

    I'm terrified of sharks, always have been, which is why I waded through zillions of book son them as a kind of aversion therapy.

  13. Alternatively;

    'Gobber's Shark Fishing Expeditions'


  14. Chris,

    I bathe every day in the river, so does Alex and so do the locals. Off the beach, not so many people swim because the waves are quite powerful but plenty of beachcasting fisherman wade in waist deep. No, there have been no recorded shark attacks. I have never heard of one being caught on a line in the river but some do fetch up in fisherman's nets.

    Usually people wanting to swim in the river ask me if there are any crocodiles and I say no, there are no crocodiles... the sharks ate them all. Perhaps never a truer word!

    I like the name for the fishing enterprise but I shan't limit it to sharks. How about Fat Gobber's Fishing Expeditions? Just a suggestion, but I like your thinking. Maybe you can work on it and come up with a logo and I'll register the company here. Once I can afford the decent sport fisher you can come over and I'll pay you in kind with the chance to catch some decent fish and maybe slot a pig or two... There is a direct British Airways flight from London to Luanda.

    Ooh, I just thought, what about Fat Hippo's? That'd be a hell of a name for the bar and restaurant. I know the bar and restaurant is supposed to be called Flordita but Fat Hippo's sounds much cooler. And I bet the domain is available...

  15. Yup, the domain is available. What do they call this? Blue sky brain storming? Man, I like this. Gobber's Game Fishing Charter's available at Fat Hippo's Restaurant and Bar (and unofficial whore house, double green shield stamps on Saturday's). This is the kind of beach bum drop out terminology I like.

    And the logos could be hilarious!

    And then clients will say, wow! Is that Fat Hippo? And the regulars will say, yeah, that's Fat Hippo. And the clients will say why is he called Fat Hippo when he isn't fat? And they'll say, because he isn't a hippo.

    I like this Chris, your best comment ever. It's got me all excited now! I just love taking the piss.

    Fat Hippo's and Gobber's Fishing. Perfect.

  16. I guess you should send me an invoice for the marketing service but since I am about to go bollock deep in a river swarming with Bull Sharks to have a wash and a shave, best you send it quickly...

  17. I suspect it's already too late (Marcia), so I'll pass on the marketing invoice - call it a freebie out of respect.

    Moving on, if you're partial to stuborn sarcastic English types Marcia then look no further. Pick me up at Quatro de Fevereiro tomorrow. I'll be the one with the black armband and the bright Hawaiian shirt!! ;-D

    Logo will be on the way Tom...

  18. Sadly, it isn't too late, Chris, the bugger seems to lead a charmed life. I even spent all morning chumming the river and still he survived.

    I notice that Tom is suddenly keen on compound bows. That could be a solution if you know how to use one. When his body washes up the police will naturally assume that a passing Japanese Waler harpooned him in error.

    Since you are coming from UK, can I give you a small shopping list? Just remind me what the luggage entitlement is on BA business class, I would absolutely hate you having to pay extra on my account although I suppose you could squeeze the extra into your hand luggage if you were sweet to the check in girls, you do seem like a nice boy...

    Love and kisses


    PS: regarding the logo and the hit, Fat Bastard Lazy Tom had dropped so far out we do not work with cash anymore. Do you take country pay?


Please feel free to comment, good or bad. I will allow anything that isn't truly offensive to any other commentator. Me? You can slag me without mercy but try and be witty while you are about it.