Tomorrow I face the public tribunal for wilfully and maliciously bashing an ashtray, itself a relic of war, into the head of a poor Angolan citizen with intent to kill, after first having stunned him with a one two combination breaking my left hand in the process, The lattter being the meat of the initial confrontation forming the assault charges just in case they don't get me for attempted murder..
Well of course I am guilty. Mind you, if the bastard had gone down with the first combination I wouldn't have had to hit him with the ashtray so wouldn't now be facing the 'with intent to kill' bit which, as my lawyer says, is a bit of a nuisance. Well I will bear that in mind next time I am defending my wife from an apparently homicidal maniac. Sadly, I am used to lawyer speak and 'bit of a nuisance' translates into 'doomed'.
I was actually naive enough to ask Marcia if my presence at the tribunal was actually neceesary. Why couldn't I just sit there in my room, small pack containing everything I would need in prison; a few undies, a big jar of Vaseline, condoms etc. and wait for the decision? Whichever way you looked at it, I was buggered. Was there any chance I could save myself the public humiliation?
Marcia wasn't having any of that. Apparently the Big Guns are coming tomorrow. Cheery news indeed but tomorrow is Saturday. Those wishing to see me dance a jig at the end of a rope have a vested interest in pitching out of bed. Will the big guns, right at this very minute getting slammed out of their heads in downtown Luanda remember that ever so teensy weeny and insignificant appointment they may have agreed seventy kilometres south of bed spaces filled with willing whores? I think not. As plans go, Marcia's was brilliant. Except that it is total Bollocks.
So we are going to Plan B.
First thing in the morning a few loyal retainers are going hose me down and turn me from this:
Into this:
So that hopefully I can go back to being this:
Instead of this:
As plans go, it is pretty bloody thin I know.
I await with bated breath. If there's no update, we shall assume the worst, because I don't suppose you'll have a laptop in your cell. Well, perhaps a different sort of top.
ReplyDeleteAnother Double Entendre? I would miss regular access to my rooftop garden in prison.
DeleteCourage!
ReplyDeleteThank you Mon Ami Mate!
DeleteI hope you've instructed Marcia in the ways of blogging. Otherwise as 'columnist' says, we'll have to assume the worst. I have little faith in the workings of the legal system, but let's hope that in Angola it's how it should be. Would a bribe help? All the best!
ReplyDeleteI did give all the passwords etc, to my brother in Germany...
DeleteMy dear boy, I don't know if it would work in your circumstances but, whenever I am in court, I wear my Eton school uniform (shorts, loose socks, blazer and cap-askance), and employ the family doctor to lead me into the dock on reigns.
ReplyDeleteOne further tactic you might consider is to place an awful lot of ashtrays about the place.
If all else fails, waggle a King James bible in the air and shoot over their heads.
I went to a good school, it was Approved. We wore the old style battledress tunics with our numbers stitched across our backs.
DeleteI don't know whether to laugh about this or worry. From the sound of things I think I'm worried. Sounds a bit like the wild west where you live and you appear to be at a severe disadvantage. I'll be waiting by the computer to hear so don't be slow to tell us how you go. I have Amnesty International's details at the ready in case we need them!
ReplyDeleteThanks Helsie. It is very wild west here at times (think corrupt sherriffs and judges).
DeleteBut you can Ask Amnesty International and the producers of 'Banged Up Abroad' to stand down.
Fingers cross here.
ReplyDeleteNever mind my fingers, I'M very cross about this!
DeleteBloody hell, Tom. It's all too late now: Just having googled what your local time is (1130 hrs) you are probably already facing Siberia and my advice will not stand you in good stead:
ReplyDeleteFirst of all: Do NOT waste your wit, sarcasm and other missiles on the law. It'll only make matters worse.
Secondly: Your foresight (condoms etc) is commendable. However, have you thought about the fallout if you have to go from a lot (of liqueur) to zero? Your brain won't like it. In fact, it might be deadly. Do NOT warn them of this otherwise they might take the shortcut. We'll have to leave it to Marcia's ingenuity to smuggle small amounts of your poison into prison to keep you alive.
Thirdly, and I do not wish to piss on your parade: Where were all those 'bystanders' in this? Just gawping instead of doing something? At least you shouldn't be short of witnesses.
Other than that it's shite. My heart and stomach a little aflutter this minute - on your behalf.
Good luck. What a comedown: One minute you ask me to book a flight to witness Hippo's finest (though your red cabbage recipe is far too complicated), the next I'll be purchasing a ticket to visit you in prison.
Just look after the rest of your fingers. The hands will look after themselves.
Dear dog in heaven,
U
Ursula! Something both sensible and intelligible from you at last!
DeleteNo 1, I did exactly that.
N0 2, But if I survived, what a cheap way to detox? (have to look at the positive side to fortify courage!)
No 3. As I anticipated, they stayed away. Intimidation perhaps?
I would be very grateful for your red cabbage recipe.
Good luck buddy, I hope they see sence and you dont need it.
ReplyDeleteI was kind of hoping that if I did go down, the Alviti Family would make them an offer they couldn't refuse so I got early release. Now that they can't put them in meat pies anymore, there must be plenty of spare horses heads kicking around...
Delete